Well, the rational part of me keeps telling me that I am just being silly.
I have always been someone who doesn't jump to conclusions, who always believes that there is a sensible explanation for most things, and who is not possessive or jealous.
And I have been married for ten years with no concerns about infidelity.
However my wife and I have been having some real issues of late.
Now all marriages have ups and downs, but this issue feels a little more serious than most.
My wife seems genuinely disinterested in me and how I feel, and her values, as I recently realised, seem to be polar opposites to mine.
When did these differences develop? I simply didn't see it coming.
What has really concerned me of late has been her frequent text messaging and mobile phone use.
She has never been big on text messaging, but all of a sudden she seems to be glued to her mobile phone. She also never leaves the phone unattended, even when she showers, almost as if she is afraid of someone reading the text messages.
She also seems to get many more phone calls these days. Most of them seem to be from her Chinese friends, as she speaks to them in Chinese. I get the feeling that she is talking to them about me, because of her facial expressions. I don't know Chinese but I can pick up some words which makes it sound as if she is telling them something in Chinese, because she doesn't want me to understand.
This language thing has really become a huge anchor around my neck, as I am disadvantaged in so many areas.
However when the phone call is from a non-Chinese English speaker, she leaves the room and talks to whoever it is in our bedroom.
On the occasion when I ask who it was on the phone, she would reply saying, "its no one, just a friend."
This is simply not an upfront response, and if it were me she would not have accepted it, but I said nothing in response.
I probably should not have, but last night I was alone at home for a few hours. So I decided to look at her most recent mobile phone bills.
Now she is really careful about her mobile phone usage, as she is sensitive about the costs involved.
She typically refuses to make calls on her mobile, and when possible she uses her work phone instead. So her mobile phone bills have always been inside the monthly cap.
Her most recent bill however, to my serious surprise, is $120 over the cap. This is a huge amount, especially for her.
Her usage for the month before last comprised primarily of phone calls (and text messages) to two phone numbers, one mobile number and one landline number. It looks like she has called those numbers up to 20 times on some days.
But should I be looking at her phone statement? I don't know what I am doing? Am I snooping? Am I stalking? I feel so terrible about this but I can't seem to control myself.
My mind tells me that she could not possibly sacrifice everything we have, but I just have a bad feeling.
I just don't know what to do. Even at work today I have been distracted. I can think of nothing else.
This not knowing is the worst part.
I get the feeling that everyone is in on it, except for me. If she has done something, I know that she would not have done it without her mother's agreement.
This is not good.
Either I am remarkably foolish and paranoid, or something simply isn't right.
