Racial identity - part 2 - is that really your daddy?

"Is that really your daddy?"

A question asked of my son all too often when he is spotted with me by his friends.

I guess it refers to the differences in our features, but I hope that it becomes nothing more than a passing nuisance.

My concern is that these questions may engender in my son a sense that I am a lesser father to him, given this perceivable racial distance between us. This is in fact my greatest fear, as I have a really strong bond with my son but he is now at an age where the external world will start playing a bigger role in his thinking.

Although I am protective of my son about this issue,  this is something that my son has to manage on his own, and I know this. I just have to continue being a loving and involved father.

Bedtime Chatter

Well, after an enjoyable Saturday evening out with friends at a restaurant, we got home, put our young one to sleep, had a quick shower and got ready for bed.

After seeing all those provocatively dressed women all night long, I was in a somewhat frisky mood. It was Saturday night after all, the only night of the week where we didn't have to worry about getting up early the following morning.

Ms B finished her shower, came into the bedroom, and dropped the towel she had on to the floor. It seems she was feeling naughty tonight as well.

There she stood, my Chinese wife, in all her naked splendor. A gorgeous heart shaped bottom, lovely curvacious thighs, pristine porcelain white skin and shiny long black hair.

She jumped on the bed and lay beside me. I started to stroke her body gently, then without even giving it a thought, I whispered in her ear, "Talk dirty to me!"

She looked at me in a puzzled way, probably wondering why I wanted her to talk dirty to me when I was about to get the real thing.

However, the poor thing took a deep breath and whispered the words.

"Honey, do you want to have sex with me?"

I put a big smile on my face, said "Yes, of course", then asked her to talk dirty to me again.

Ms B then responded, "Didn't I already speak dirty to you? Didn't I say the 'sex' word?"

Well, it was not quite the 'dirty' I was looking for, but I didn't want to spoil her mood, and was thankful for her effort.

We spent the next few hours in bed, just she and I, enjoying ourselves the way nature intended. It was a great night for both of us.

Chinese Fashion

Well, another Saturday night has passed.

We went out to a resaurant in china town.

We went with some friends and their daughter, who are Mandarin speakers, but who have been in Australia since they were very young.

Sinclair and Nancy are very nice people, are great to have a conversation with, and given that they speak Mandarin as well, they keep my mother-in-law involved in the conversation, so she doesn't feel left out.

The main topic of discussion over dinner last night was co-incidental in that it is a topic that I have previously raised in this blog.

It was initiated by Nancy as an observation while we were walking to the restaurant through china town.

Nancy said: " Chinese women have changed so much. They all want to look rich or sexy. How can a man respect them when they dress this way?"

It was in response to a sequence of Chinese women that we had passed on the way to the restaurant wearing really sexualised clothing. I need to emphasise that this clothing stood out a mile away, and can only be described as excessively sexualised, at the expense of good taste.

Even my 7 year old son whispered to me: "Daddy, I can see that woman's bum" and then started giggling. This woman was wearing extremely short shorts along with high heels. These shorts exposed the top of her underwear (being a g-string of course).

Both Nancy and Ms B could both be described as conservative dressers, and so during the evening Siclair and I joked that they could learn something from these women, and start wearing more attractive clothing.

It was all in good humour of course, and provided us an evening of laughter and enjoyment as we continually pointed out more and more examples of dresses or skirts or other provocative clothing that our women should be wearing.

The cake of soap

Well, our differences seem to extend into the shower.

I like to use a soap with a pleasant fragrance to it. However Ms B and her mother insist on a cake of soap with an odour resembling some kind of harsh industrialised detergent.

I don't know where they find this soap, but it certainly wouldn't sell in a Coles or a Woolworths.

Every time I get near it I get an idea of what life would have been like in those concentration camps in China during the cultural revolution. This is really harsh soap that leaves one feeling that their body has been stripped of all vital moisture. It is certainly not a luxury item.

In any case, its always there in the shower, whether I like it or not.

In order to get around this, I recently purchased a bottle of body shampoo, as something that I could use and at least feel like I had a real showever.

The day after I purchased it, the bottle went missing.

When I asked Ms B what happened to it, she quickly ran to the bathroom. She returned with an old handwash bottle.

She then proudly stated that her mother diluted the contents of my bottle, and got to fill four old handwash bottles.

When I told her that it was for me to use in the shower, she looked at me strangely and said, "why would you use that in the shower? We already have soap!"

Being stared at by the Chinese

You would think that with the extent of inter racial relationships in Australia, that a bi-racial child would no longer be a novelty.

And this is true, for the most part, especially amongst non-Chinese.

But when we go shopping in Chinese shopping districts, the looks are ever-present.

Every stare usually starts off with the child, then a review is done of both Ms B and myself. I am sure its just a curiosity thing, given the broad variety of features in eurasian children.

Once the stare reaches me, I often get the double-take look.

Given that I have blonde hair and blue eyes, I guess I just stand out a lot more when in between a Chinese woman and a child that could be, or might not be, Chinese.

Having said that, I too am often guilty of the same thing. For some hard to explain reason, every time I come across a eurasian child I will mentally assess his features against his parents. I don't understand why or for what reason, but I often catch myself doing it too.

The Chinese - a diverse and varied people

When I was a young boy growing up in Sydney, the only Chinese I ever met were orginally from Hong Kong. They tended to be affluent, conservative and quiet.

Later on, especially when I first went to university, I got to meet and mix with Chinese from Singapore and  Malaysia. I got good at picking what country a Chinese person was from, and not just because of their accents. It also had a lot to do with their demeanor and behaviour.

Yes, the Chinese are many, dispersed and varied. What may surprise some is to what extent they are different depending on which region they come from. 

It was not until after I became an intern in my studies that I started coming into contacted with mainlander Chinese.

Given that the government in China was Communist and restricted movement, this was not surprising, however by the late 1980s the mainlander community in Australia increased significantly, becaming the majority background of most Australian Chinese.

This is very much the case today.

Now recently, I remember Ms B haggling with the wife/secretary of a doctor about his fee. The secretary was originally from Hong Kong, as was the doctor. The secretary then made a very innappropriate comment to Ms B about her haggling.

She said: "You mainlanders are all the same. You are all selfish and uncivilised."

Now naturally, this comment was offensive, but it seems that only I saw it that way. Ms B seemed to be more concerned that the fee was not further reduced.

I mention this just to underscore the real and dictinct differences between many peoples of Chinese origin, and the level of discrimination that is entrenched within the broader Chinese community itself.

This is a theme that I will come back to from time to time, as it an important insight into the Chinese community in this country.

Racial identity - part 1

Master A is almost 7 years old.

The first face he looked at when he was born was mine, and I have been very involved with him from the start.

So he has been very comfortable in my presence, and in the presence of his paternal family.

But recently, he has begun asking me some odd questions about his appearance.

I remember when Master A was about 4 years old, he saw a commercial on TV involving an African girl. He turned to me and asked, "Daddy, how many people in the world are not like us?"

I did not immediately connect his question with the commercial, so I asked in a puzzled way, "what do you mean?"

He said, "How many people have dark skin, and how many people look like you and me?"

I found this question so refreshingly innocent, but I knew that at some point the world will be telling my son that he and his daddy also look different.

Well, that time has now come, and my challenge of course is to manage my son's questions thoughtfully and in a way that will hopefully put him in good stead to take advantage of all the good things that come with being a bi-racial and bi-cultural child.

Western women and Chinese men

Why so few western women with chinese men?

Is it because western women are racist?

Or is it perhaps because chinese men are racist?

Or maybe just something less sinister, like opportunity or cultural obstacles?

In short, I don't know the answer, but even though it is now common place to see a western man with a chinese wife, it is a rare sight indeed to see a chinese man with a white/western wife.

This does in fact concen me somewhat. My son, although not Chinese, does have some recognisable asian features. I would hope however that when he grows up that his choice in women is not limited by something like his racial features.

I would hope, as I had been lucky enough, for my son to be accepted by women no matter their race, and no matter his.