Well, since my episode of paranoia, nothing has happened to clarify matters.
I tried to talk to my wife once about my concerns, but she was completely dismissive. Before I had even had a chance to explain my concern, she responded with:
"Oh your just being silly!"
...and she walked away.
So I get the feeling that she does not want to discuss the matter, or that it simply does not register for her and she is not sensitive to how I feel at this point in time.
When I hear her mobile phone signal with a text message, my heart skips a beat, but I try hard to ignore it. She still behaves oddly, as if the message is so private that she cannot read it while in the same room as me.
A few days ago I walked past the bedroom and saw her busily typing a text message on her phone. When I asked her who she was texting, she said:
"Just a friend"
I then said" "Who?"
She responded in an agitated voice, "Just a friend, you don't know them"
Now I keep asking myself whether I am simply being paranoid, in a effort to talk myself out of this anxiety I am experiencing. At the end of the day, I know that all of this can be explained away in a perfectly reasonable manner. I recall not that long ago that my wife suspected something was going on in my life, and it wasn't, so I could just be going through the same thing.
And I can't get over how she would be willing to lose something that she seems to value more than anything else in her life. No, not me, but something far more valuable to her.
I remember when we were preparing to get married, she asked me if once we were married, whether she too could use the title of "doctor", given that her husband is a doctor. She reasoned that this is the case with Knighted men who marry.
I wasn't sure whether she was joking or serious, but I realised early on that my being a doctor meant everything to her, as it does to her mother. I am quite sure that everyone from her mother's village knows that my mother-in-laws daughter is married to a doctor, and not just any doctor but a specialist. I am subjected to some kind of awe from all my mother-in-laws friends every time I come into contact with them, and they all insist on calling me "doctor" instead of my name, and they touch my hand almost messiah like as if some of my good luck would rub off on them.
It seems to me beyond belief that my wife, and just as importantly her mother, would risk losing this title that they wear like a badge of honour, which has given them the right to hold their head up high amongst their community, in a display of superiority.
The chinese I have found to be aspirational to the extreme, and excessive displays of ones success, although being something which may be frowned upon in the west, is second nature to many chinese.
I keep asking myself, "how could they risk losing this?". It just doesn't make sense.
....or am I simply trying to convince myself too hard.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Sunday, May 02, 2010
The mobile phone and the private messages
Well, the rational part of me keeps telling me that I am just being silly.
I have always been someone who doesn't jump to conclusions, who always believes that there is a sensible explanation for most things, and who is not possessive or jealous.
And I have been married for ten years with no concerns about infidelity.
However my wife and I have been having some real issues of late.
Now all marriages have ups and downs, but this issue feels a little more serious than most.
My wife seems genuinely disinterested in me and how I feel, and her values, as I recently realised, seem to be polar opposites to mine.
When did these differences develop? I simply didn't see it coming.
What has really concerned me of late has been her frequent text messaging and mobile phone use.
She has never been big on text messaging, but all of a sudden she seems to be glued to her mobile phone. She also never leaves the phone unattended, even when she showers, almost as if she is afraid of someone reading the text messages.
She also seems to get many more phone calls these days. Most of them seem to be from her Chinese friends, as she speaks to them in Chinese. I get the feeling that she is talking to them about me, because of her facial expressions. I don't know Chinese but I can pick up some words which makes it sound as if she is telling them something in Chinese, because she doesn't want me to understand.
This language thing has really become a huge anchor around my neck, as I am disadvantaged in so many areas.
However when the phone call is from a non-Chinese English speaker, she leaves the room and talks to whoever it is in our bedroom.
On the occasion when I ask who it was on the phone, she would reply saying, "its no one, just a friend."
This is simply not an upfront response, and if it were me she would not have accepted it, but I said nothing in response.
I probably should not have, but last night I was alone at home for a few hours. So I decided to look at her most recent mobile phone bills.
Now she is really careful about her mobile phone usage, as she is sensitive about the costs involved.
She typically refuses to make calls on her mobile, and when possible she uses her work phone instead. So her mobile phone bills have always been inside the monthly cap.
Her most recent bill however, to my serious surprise, is $120 over the cap. This is a huge amount, especially for her.
Her usage for the month before last comprised primarily of phone calls (and text messages) to two phone numbers, one mobile number and one landline number. It looks like she has called those numbers up to 20 times on some days.
But should I be looking at her phone statement? I don't know what I am doing? Am I snooping? Am I stalking? I feel so terrible about this but I can't seem to control myself.
My mind tells me that she could not possibly sacrifice everything we have, but I just have a bad feeling.
I just don't know what to do. Even at work today I have been distracted. I can think of nothing else.
This not knowing is the worst part.
I get the feeling that everyone is in on it, except for me. If she has done something, I know that she would not have done it without her mother's agreement.
This is not good.
Either I am remarkably foolish and paranoid, or something simply isn't right.
I have always been someone who doesn't jump to conclusions, who always believes that there is a sensible explanation for most things, and who is not possessive or jealous.
And I have been married for ten years with no concerns about infidelity.
However my wife and I have been having some real issues of late.
Now all marriages have ups and downs, but this issue feels a little more serious than most.
My wife seems genuinely disinterested in me and how I feel, and her values, as I recently realised, seem to be polar opposites to mine.
When did these differences develop? I simply didn't see it coming.
What has really concerned me of late has been her frequent text messaging and mobile phone use.
She has never been big on text messaging, but all of a sudden she seems to be glued to her mobile phone. She also never leaves the phone unattended, even when she showers, almost as if she is afraid of someone reading the text messages.
She also seems to get many more phone calls these days. Most of them seem to be from her Chinese friends, as she speaks to them in Chinese. I get the feeling that she is talking to them about me, because of her facial expressions. I don't know Chinese but I can pick up some words which makes it sound as if she is telling them something in Chinese, because she doesn't want me to understand.
This language thing has really become a huge anchor around my neck, as I am disadvantaged in so many areas.
However when the phone call is from a non-Chinese English speaker, she leaves the room and talks to whoever it is in our bedroom.
On the occasion when I ask who it was on the phone, she would reply saying, "its no one, just a friend."
This is simply not an upfront response, and if it were me she would not have accepted it, but I said nothing in response.
I probably should not have, but last night I was alone at home for a few hours. So I decided to look at her most recent mobile phone bills.
Now she is really careful about her mobile phone usage, as she is sensitive about the costs involved.
She typically refuses to make calls on her mobile, and when possible she uses her work phone instead. So her mobile phone bills have always been inside the monthly cap.
Her most recent bill however, to my serious surprise, is $120 over the cap. This is a huge amount, especially for her.
Her usage for the month before last comprised primarily of phone calls (and text messages) to two phone numbers, one mobile number and one landline number. It looks like she has called those numbers up to 20 times on some days.
But should I be looking at her phone statement? I don't know what I am doing? Am I snooping? Am I stalking? I feel so terrible about this but I can't seem to control myself.
My mind tells me that she could not possibly sacrifice everything we have, but I just have a bad feeling.
I just don't know what to do. Even at work today I have been distracted. I can think of nothing else.
This not knowing is the worst part.
I get the feeling that everyone is in on it, except for me. If she has done something, I know that she would not have done it without her mother's agreement.
This is not good.
Either I am remarkably foolish and paranoid, or something simply isn't right.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Chinese people and Anglo names
Australia is a multi-cultural country. You come across people from many different cultural backgrounds here.
We of course have the Europeans, which comprised originally of peoples from Anglo backgrounds, followed later by Continental Europeans.
More recently we have had an influx of Asians, comprising primarily of Indians and Chinese, amongst others.
What I find suprising is that even though the Indians share a common history with the English, when it comes to first names, almost all the Indian Australians that I have come into contact with choose to keep their original Indian name, rather than use an English name, which is the more common practice amongst migrants.
In fact I don't think I have come across any Indians with an Anglo first name, not even Christian Indians, who tend to adopt Christian surnames.
Conversely, this is not the case with Chinese Australians. It is very rare indeed when I come across a Chinese person, whether they be an adult who emigrated to Australia or a child born in Australia, who are known by their Chinese first name.
I don't know what it is about the Chinese, but they place a lot of importance on selecting a novel Anglo first name for themselves and their children.
And these are not standard Anglo names like John or Sharon. They are names with a distinctly Victorian flair about them, almost as if the names were chosen directly from an English novel straight out of the 19th century.
In fact I can often pick out a Chinese child simply from a list of names, simply by looking at their first name only, because the Chinese Australians tend to out-British the British when it comes to choosing names with that certain Brittanic feel to it.
When it came to our child, my wife insisted on choosing his name alone.
She naturally gave the child a Chinese middle name, although she let her mother choose the middle name.
With regard to our child's first name, my wife laboured over this choice for many many years, long before she was even pregnant.
Even as close as a few days before she gave birth, she had still not settled on a name, even though she consulted with people far and wide, and read novel after novel, in order to find the name that she felt was just right.
Finally she chose a name after a previous English Prime Minister, because she felt the name represented strength and resilience, qualities that she wanted in our son.
Anyway, this is how our son was named, and both she and I expected this name to be a rarity today, but nonetheless a familiar name amongst English speakers.
To our suprise, when our son started school, we found out that 4 other boys in his year also had the same name, and, well you guessed it, they were all Chinese.
We of course have the Europeans, which comprised originally of peoples from Anglo backgrounds, followed later by Continental Europeans.
More recently we have had an influx of Asians, comprising primarily of Indians and Chinese, amongst others.
What I find suprising is that even though the Indians share a common history with the English, when it comes to first names, almost all the Indian Australians that I have come into contact with choose to keep their original Indian name, rather than use an English name, which is the more common practice amongst migrants.
In fact I don't think I have come across any Indians with an Anglo first name, not even Christian Indians, who tend to adopt Christian surnames.
Conversely, this is not the case with Chinese Australians. It is very rare indeed when I come across a Chinese person, whether they be an adult who emigrated to Australia or a child born in Australia, who are known by their Chinese first name.
I don't know what it is about the Chinese, but they place a lot of importance on selecting a novel Anglo first name for themselves and their children.
And these are not standard Anglo names like John or Sharon. They are names with a distinctly Victorian flair about them, almost as if the names were chosen directly from an English novel straight out of the 19th century.
In fact I can often pick out a Chinese child simply from a list of names, simply by looking at their first name only, because the Chinese Australians tend to out-British the British when it comes to choosing names with that certain Brittanic feel to it.
When it came to our child, my wife insisted on choosing his name alone.
She naturally gave the child a Chinese middle name, although she let her mother choose the middle name.
With regard to our child's first name, my wife laboured over this choice for many many years, long before she was even pregnant.
Even as close as a few days before she gave birth, she had still not settled on a name, even though she consulted with people far and wide, and read novel after novel, in order to find the name that she felt was just right.
Finally she chose a name after a previous English Prime Minister, because she felt the name represented strength and resilience, qualities that she wanted in our son.
Anyway, this is how our son was named, and both she and I expected this name to be a rarity today, but nonetheless a familiar name amongst English speakers.
To our suprise, when our son started school, we found out that 4 other boys in his year also had the same name, and, well you guessed it, they were all Chinese.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
We have been arguing lately
My wife and I have been having a number of arguments lately.
It all began when we started looking for a new house. We have outgrown our current residence, and with our boy getting to an age when he is always running around, we decided it was time to find a house with a big backyard.
Well all well and good, and given my income, we may not even need to sell the home we currently live in.
Well that's where our problems begin.
You see our current home was bought and paid off by me before I met my wife. She on the other hand had no real assets to speak of when we married.
This means that our house is technically owned by me, although this would make little difference if we were to get divorced. In that case of course the house will be divided between my wife and I, according to other factors, like the welfare of our child.
However this still bothers my wife. She is annoyed that our current house is only under my name, but as an accountant she is fully aware that to transfer the deed into both our names would be an exercise in wasting money, as the stamp duty incurred would run into the tens of thousands.
So my wife, in order to "balance the arangement", as she puts it, wants to purchase the new house in her name only.
I find this a remarkably bizarre request, and I have tried to ask her to explain how this will benefit us. She keeps saying its fair this way, but this really is not a reasonable explanation to me. It simply does not make any sense.
Anyway, while we were viewing a property last weekend, my wife starting complaining to the real estate agent that I was not willing to "buy" her a new house. This confused the real estate agent because he thought we were looking at the property precisely for that reason.
I tried to explain to the real estate agent what my wife actually meant, and he simply said "oh!", nodded his head, and continued showing us the property.
On the way home however, my wife kept on repeating that the real estate agent said "ohhhhhhhhhh!", indicating that he was embarassed that I was not buying her the property in her name.
It seems to me that she was convinced that the real estate agent sympathised with her complaint, where in truth he didn't care one way or the other, as long as he got a sale.
So he we are, locked in dispute, over a pointless little detail. Part of me says to simply give my wife what she wants, but something else in the back of my mind is nagging at me. I keep asking myself why she wants his and her property, when we are married.
I don't know. It simply doesn't make sense.
It all began when we started looking for a new house. We have outgrown our current residence, and with our boy getting to an age when he is always running around, we decided it was time to find a house with a big backyard.
Well all well and good, and given my income, we may not even need to sell the home we currently live in.
Well that's where our problems begin.
You see our current home was bought and paid off by me before I met my wife. She on the other hand had no real assets to speak of when we married.
This means that our house is technically owned by me, although this would make little difference if we were to get divorced. In that case of course the house will be divided between my wife and I, according to other factors, like the welfare of our child.
However this still bothers my wife. She is annoyed that our current house is only under my name, but as an accountant she is fully aware that to transfer the deed into both our names would be an exercise in wasting money, as the stamp duty incurred would run into the tens of thousands.
So my wife, in order to "balance the arangement", as she puts it, wants to purchase the new house in her name only.
I find this a remarkably bizarre request, and I have tried to ask her to explain how this will benefit us. She keeps saying its fair this way, but this really is not a reasonable explanation to me. It simply does not make any sense.
Anyway, while we were viewing a property last weekend, my wife starting complaining to the real estate agent that I was not willing to "buy" her a new house. This confused the real estate agent because he thought we were looking at the property precisely for that reason.
I tried to explain to the real estate agent what my wife actually meant, and he simply said "oh!", nodded his head, and continued showing us the property.
On the way home however, my wife kept on repeating that the real estate agent said "ohhhhhhhhhh!", indicating that he was embarassed that I was not buying her the property in her name.
It seems to me that she was convinced that the real estate agent sympathised with her complaint, where in truth he didn't care one way or the other, as long as he got a sale.
So he we are, locked in dispute, over a pointless little detail. Part of me says to simply give my wife what she wants, but something else in the back of my mind is nagging at me. I keep asking myself why she wants his and her property, when we are married.
I don't know. It simply doesn't make sense.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
DNA envy and the dinner conversation
We recently went to a friend's house for dinner. They were celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary, although they lived together for a further 5 years.
Invited that evening were another 3 couples, all being doctors and doctors wives (2 of those wives were also doctors).
The couple celebrating their anniversary are a very loving couple, he being a surgeon and she being a stay at home mother. They are very compatible, although quite different in many respects. Their ongoing adoration of each other is quite palpable, and quite refreshing to experience.
During dinner, the conversation naturally turned to the other relationships in the room, and eventually to mine.
I was asked what it was that attracted me to my wife originally, and I responded in what is probably a typical male fashion, stuck for words but then falling back on the typical qualities such as sense of humour, looks, emotional connection and a sense of compatibility.
Well, then it was my wife's turn, and I could hear the whole room quiten down as she was asked what she found most appealing about me when we first met, and what it was that made her consider marriage with me.
Naive me, I thought she would say that she thought we were compatible, that I was caring and loving to her needs, that I was a good provider and responsible, and maybe, just maybe that she felt that she loved me.
Instead, my wife responded by saying:
"I liked the fact that he was left-handed, and that he had blue eyes and blonde hair. We Chinese admire those physical traits"
When further prompted about the qualities in me that she liked, she continued:
"I liked the fact that he was a doctor. I knew that all my friends and extended family would be jealous of me if I married a doctor."
Everyone at the dinner table smiled, out of politeness I think, but I think my poor wife simply didn't realise that she she was being asked for human qualities, not pragmatic ones.
I tried to interrupt and hopefully change the topic, but I was gently brushed aside, in a helpful and supportive way, by one of the wives sitting beside me, who said to my wife:
"Love, what we mean is did you marry him because you thought he would support you through thick or thin, or did you maybe think he would make a great father to your child?"
My wife seemed like she understood, she took a deep breath, smiled and then said:
"I thought about what my child would look like if I had a child with him. I wanted my child to have light coloured hair and eyes, and to be a doctor too. I liked him for, how do you say, for his DNA?"
Everyone laughed, I guess because no other response was appropriate, and we simply moved on to other topics.
I felt somewhat embarrassed by my wife's response, truth be told, but there was a huge language and cultural barrier that made it difficult for her to talk in those terms, so I simply put it aside and tried to forget it.
At work however, I still get a jibe from my colleagues, who while diagnosing a condition for the ocassional chinese female patient, ask me whether I think they have DNA envy, and then they smile and wink.
Yes, its funny, and simply part and parcel of a cross-cultural relationship.
Invited that evening were another 3 couples, all being doctors and doctors wives (2 of those wives were also doctors).
The couple celebrating their anniversary are a very loving couple, he being a surgeon and she being a stay at home mother. They are very compatible, although quite different in many respects. Their ongoing adoration of each other is quite palpable, and quite refreshing to experience.
During dinner, the conversation naturally turned to the other relationships in the room, and eventually to mine.
I was asked what it was that attracted me to my wife originally, and I responded in what is probably a typical male fashion, stuck for words but then falling back on the typical qualities such as sense of humour, looks, emotional connection and a sense of compatibility.
Well, then it was my wife's turn, and I could hear the whole room quiten down as she was asked what she found most appealing about me when we first met, and what it was that made her consider marriage with me.
Naive me, I thought she would say that she thought we were compatible, that I was caring and loving to her needs, that I was a good provider and responsible, and maybe, just maybe that she felt that she loved me.
Instead, my wife responded by saying:
"I liked the fact that he was left-handed, and that he had blue eyes and blonde hair. We Chinese admire those physical traits"
When further prompted about the qualities in me that she liked, she continued:
"I liked the fact that he was a doctor. I knew that all my friends and extended family would be jealous of me if I married a doctor."
Everyone at the dinner table smiled, out of politeness I think, but I think my poor wife simply didn't realise that she she was being asked for human qualities, not pragmatic ones.
I tried to interrupt and hopefully change the topic, but I was gently brushed aside, in a helpful and supportive way, by one of the wives sitting beside me, who said to my wife:
"Love, what we mean is did you marry him because you thought he would support you through thick or thin, or did you maybe think he would make a great father to your child?"
My wife seemed like she understood, she took a deep breath, smiled and then said:
"I thought about what my child would look like if I had a child with him. I wanted my child to have light coloured hair and eyes, and to be a doctor too. I liked him for, how do you say, for his DNA?"
Everyone laughed, I guess because no other response was appropriate, and we simply moved on to other topics.
I felt somewhat embarrassed by my wife's response, truth be told, but there was a huge language and cultural barrier that made it difficult for her to talk in those terms, so I simply put it aside and tried to forget it.
At work however, I still get a jibe from my colleagues, who while diagnosing a condition for the ocassional chinese female patient, ask me whether I think they have DNA envy, and then they smile and wink.
Yes, its funny, and simply part and parcel of a cross-cultural relationship.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Some cross-cultural problems in our marriage
I have been having some ongoing issues with my wife that unfortunately aren't going away.
It involves children.
Firstly, I have been hoping to having a second child, but it seems my wife is not receptive to this. She is of the view that another child will get in the way of her career. Although this may be true, I just don't think one child is optimal, and it is actually not fair on our first born either.
I keep telling my wife that there is no one-child policy in Australia, but she simply won't budge.
At the end of the day I have to respect her wishes, but what she told me the other day really upset me.
By way of explaining why she didn't want another child, my wife told me that she asked her mother whether she should have one, and then her sister in China whether she should have one. They both told her that it is too expensive to have another child, and for her to refuse my requests.
I became very upset by this revelation, because my wife should be discussing these matters with me, not her mother and her sister.
It seems that important decisions about my family are being made by an elderly lady whose view of the world is of a by-gone era, and by a woman who lives in China and was only allowed to have one child.
Well, what about my views? What about our child who has often asked for baby brother?
And regarding it being too expensive, well I am a medical professional for heavens sake. Money is simply not an issue.
What really bothers me is that she would not have told me this if I didn't push her. She simply decided, between herself, her mothera nd her sister, and I would have not even been informed of this very important decision had I not been persistent.
In her defense, she claims that Chinese women do not involve men in these decisions. I told her that I find that quite remarkable, that this is a human right, and that no father would willingly take no interest in the size of his family.
She keeps trying to explain things by saying that as a Westerner, I do not understand.
I think that's true, I do not understand. But that does not excuse her behaviour.
It involves children.
Firstly, I have been hoping to having a second child, but it seems my wife is not receptive to this. She is of the view that another child will get in the way of her career. Although this may be true, I just don't think one child is optimal, and it is actually not fair on our first born either.
I keep telling my wife that there is no one-child policy in Australia, but she simply won't budge.
At the end of the day I have to respect her wishes, but what she told me the other day really upset me.
By way of explaining why she didn't want another child, my wife told me that she asked her mother whether she should have one, and then her sister in China whether she should have one. They both told her that it is too expensive to have another child, and for her to refuse my requests.
I became very upset by this revelation, because my wife should be discussing these matters with me, not her mother and her sister.
It seems that important decisions about my family are being made by an elderly lady whose view of the world is of a by-gone era, and by a woman who lives in China and was only allowed to have one child.
Well, what about my views? What about our child who has often asked for baby brother?
And regarding it being too expensive, well I am a medical professional for heavens sake. Money is simply not an issue.
What really bothers me is that she would not have told me this if I didn't push her. She simply decided, between herself, her mothera nd her sister, and I would have not even been informed of this very important decision had I not been persistent.
In her defense, she claims that Chinese women do not involve men in these decisions. I told her that I find that quite remarkable, that this is a human right, and that no father would willingly take no interest in the size of his family.
She keeps trying to explain things by saying that as a Westerner, I do not understand.
I think that's true, I do not understand. But that does not excuse her behaviour.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Chinese and Homosexuality
A week after the Chinese New Year's parade, I was sitting in front of the TV late Sunday night and happened to come across another parade in Sydney, this time the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.
This is an annual event in Sydney which attracts tens if not hundreds of thousands of people from Australia and abroad, to either participate in the parade or to simply be a spectator.
Now in terms of comparison, the Margi Gras is all about pride, and interestingly I noticed the same sense of pride amongst the marchers in the Mardi Gras as in the week prior with the Chinese.
Apart from that, I also noticed that the Mardi Gras seemed to have an over-representation of Asian and Chinese marchers, presumably because they were gay.
Now I have often heard amongst Chinese women their belief that many Chinese men are "too feminine", but I have rarely experienced this myself. What I did notice at the Margi Gras however was that almost all the gay asians marching were feminine, as opposed to all other marchers. At least this is how it seemed to me.
I was also surprised at the number of asian lesbians, and how they were also almost all feminine in appearance as well. In contrast amongst other races, there was a visible proportian of butch lesbians as well.
At the end of the day however this was just an interesting little distraction for me that I came across while channel surfing on a Sunday night at home.
However as I was watching, my wife walked into the room.
She first seemed excited thinking it was a reply of the Chinese parade. When I explained what this march was about, her mood changed, and she then began a tirade of commentary, using many profanities that I cannot type on this blog, as an expression of her complete distaste and hatred for this lifestyle.
Knowing my wife as I do I did not enter into a debate with her, but it is a given that she and I have many diametrically opposed social views, and discussion or debate will not change this.
My wife did however make a comment which caught me by surprise, and lead me to ponder how we would both react in the event that our child turned out to be gay one day.
What I found so surprising was my wife's insistenance that if I son was ever gay, that she would never associate with him again, and that she would likely commit suicide.
I responded by saying that given that its her only child, whom she loves more than life itself, that she will probably learn to live with it, as most parents do, for the sake of her child.
Well, I should know better than to engage in these kind of discussions with my wife, and as expected my wife began directing her spitefullness towards me, suggesting that I could be sending sub-concious signals to our son that it is okay to be gay.
She ended the conversation by saying that if our son turned out to be gay, she would be blaming me because she thinks my views are a bad influence on him.
Hmm?!
This is an annual event in Sydney which attracts tens if not hundreds of thousands of people from Australia and abroad, to either participate in the parade or to simply be a spectator.
Now in terms of comparison, the Margi Gras is all about pride, and interestingly I noticed the same sense of pride amongst the marchers in the Mardi Gras as in the week prior with the Chinese.
Apart from that, I also noticed that the Mardi Gras seemed to have an over-representation of Asian and Chinese marchers, presumably because they were gay.
Now I have often heard amongst Chinese women their belief that many Chinese men are "too feminine", but I have rarely experienced this myself. What I did notice at the Margi Gras however was that almost all the gay asians marching were feminine, as opposed to all other marchers. At least this is how it seemed to me.
I was also surprised at the number of asian lesbians, and how they were also almost all feminine in appearance as well. In contrast amongst other races, there was a visible proportian of butch lesbians as well.
At the end of the day however this was just an interesting little distraction for me that I came across while channel surfing on a Sunday night at home.
However as I was watching, my wife walked into the room.
She first seemed excited thinking it was a reply of the Chinese parade. When I explained what this march was about, her mood changed, and she then began a tirade of commentary, using many profanities that I cannot type on this blog, as an expression of her complete distaste and hatred for this lifestyle.
Knowing my wife as I do I did not enter into a debate with her, but it is a given that she and I have many diametrically opposed social views, and discussion or debate will not change this.
My wife did however make a comment which caught me by surprise, and lead me to ponder how we would both react in the event that our child turned out to be gay one day.
What I found so surprising was my wife's insistenance that if I son was ever gay, that she would never associate with him again, and that she would likely commit suicide.
I responded by saying that given that its her only child, whom she loves more than life itself, that she will probably learn to live with it, as most parents do, for the sake of her child.
Well, I should know better than to engage in these kind of discussions with my wife, and as expected my wife began directing her spitefullness towards me, suggesting that I could be sending sub-concious signals to our son that it is okay to be gay.
She ended the conversation by saying that if our son turned out to be gay, she would be blaming me because she thinks my views are a bad influence on him.
Hmm?!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Chinese Pride
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Last week, as we do every year, we went into the city to watch the Chinese New Year Parade.
We typically catch a train and make an afternoon of it.
My son seems to enjoy it, but it seems to be more important to me and my wife. My mother-in-law has of course seen it all before, and I get the feeling that she simply tags along just to get out of the house, rather than having a special connection to the event.
For me and my wife however, we both feel a sense of pride in this event, for different reasons of course.
We get to see the normal characters and events one expects on such a day, including the lion, the dragon, the fireworks and of course the dragon boat races.
For me however I get most enjoyment in watching the parade, where I see a procession of Chinese in many glorious outfits, all representing some unique group or ocassion, and many of whom seem to have come directly from China, who walk with their chest out and their head high, and an obvious sense of pride in their heritage.
This is really lovely to watch.
The pride is contagious, and I also feel proud on behalf of my son and my wife.
This is a really important distiction between the Chinese in this country, and possibly around the world, and other ethnic groupings.
The Chinese seem to have a genuine desire to intergrate and fully engage in the country and community that they are part of.You in fact see a real over-representation of Chinese when you visit the local swimming pools, RSL clubs, children's sporting events, some entertainment venues and educational facilities. This is not necessarly the case with some other ethnic identities, so it seems that the Chinese really try and embrace all the opportunities in life that comes their way.
But importantly, they do not abandon their own identity or heritage in the process.
So rather than remain isolated in their own identity on the one hand, or lose their identity completely on the other, they seem to manage a balance which is both of best worlds.
I hope very much that my son will also adopt this view of the world, which I believe is not only healthy to the individual, but also a blessing to the broader community as well.
Last week, as we do every year, we went into the city to watch the Chinese New Year Parade.
We typically catch a train and make an afternoon of it.
My son seems to enjoy it, but it seems to be more important to me and my wife. My mother-in-law has of course seen it all before, and I get the feeling that she simply tags along just to get out of the house, rather than having a special connection to the event.
For me and my wife however, we both feel a sense of pride in this event, for different reasons of course.
We get to see the normal characters and events one expects on such a day, including the lion, the dragon, the fireworks and of course the dragon boat races.
For me however I get most enjoyment in watching the parade, where I see a procession of Chinese in many glorious outfits, all representing some unique group or ocassion, and many of whom seem to have come directly from China, who walk with their chest out and their head high, and an obvious sense of pride in their heritage.
This is really lovely to watch.
The pride is contagious, and I also feel proud on behalf of my son and my wife.
This is a really important distiction between the Chinese in this country, and possibly around the world, and other ethnic groupings.
The Chinese seem to have a genuine desire to intergrate and fully engage in the country and community that they are part of.You in fact see a real over-representation of Chinese when you visit the local swimming pools, RSL clubs, children's sporting events, some entertainment venues and educational facilities. This is not necessarly the case with some other ethnic identities, so it seems that the Chinese really try and embrace all the opportunities in life that comes their way.
But importantly, they do not abandon their own identity or heritage in the process.
So rather than remain isolated in their own identity on the one hand, or lose their identity completely on the other, they seem to manage a balance which is both of best worlds.
I hope very much that my son will also adopt this view of the world, which I believe is not only healthy to the individual, but also a blessing to the broader community as well.
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