I have been struggling with this emotional distress now for quite some time, and what seems to be bothering me the most is the "not knowing" bit.
Its a terrible way to live ones life.
For the most part I just pretend everything is normal, but this uncertainty is just eating away at me.
Part of me oddly prefers the anguish of not-knowing, for fear of what I may find out if I look further. By living in the dark there is still hope that it is all in my head, right?
But last night my wife went into the shower and unually for her, she left her mobile phone on the bedside table.
And well, after so much effort to simply ignore this issue or somehow convince myself that it is just my imagination, it just got too much for me, so I picked up her mobile phone and decided to look at some of her records.
I went straight to the SMS section, and found an unfamiliar number from someone who SMS'd her about a week earlier.
I jotted the number down, and then read the text message.
This is what it said:
"Called U back later in day. Sorry to miss UR call. Will not be at work tomorrow."
...and then I read the previous text message from my wife, prompting this response. The text read:
"Tried to call you 5 times. Are you avoiding me? Have a lot to tell you"
This is all I was willing to read. I put the phone right down. My heart was racing and I was in a cold sweat. It may or may not mean anything, but it is not the all-clear I was hoping for. In fact I imediately took it for something worse than it really is, at least so far. I think I imagined some words that I had to keep checking on the paper to ensure they won't there. It seems my mind is playing tricks on me.
Anyway, I in fact don't know whose number this is, and for all I know it could be one of her girlfriends.
I guess I will have to read more next chance I get.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The new friend
My apologies for keeping everyone waiting.
It has been a very strange period for me lately. I am a neurologist and see patients daily who are suffering from terrible afflictions caused by injuries or illnesses like catastrophic head injuries, strokes, Parkinsons disease and Alzheimers.
I need to have constant attention to detail, as I am dealing with quality of life, and in some cases life itself.
Although it has not affected my work yet, I am doing my best to guarantee that IT NEVER does, so I write on this blog late at night in my desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the immense distress I have been going through.
Anyway, back to that strange weekend, and here we are at Sunday.
For most of the morning my wife was exceptionally nice to me. She would call me "honey" repeatedly, and on a few ocassions she called me by my baby name (the name my mother calls me to this day).
My wife would only act like this when she was extremely happy, or when she was preparing to persuade me about something.
Anyway, about mid-morning, although I didn't realise at the time, my wife started on what was probably a well thought out plan to introduce me to a new person she had apparently just met.
She started making references to a "James", a man she met through her work, but according to her had never met in person once.
She however did mention to me that she had spoken to James 4 or 5 times on the phone (although she mentioned nothing about emails).
Now I counted 7 separate references to James on that Sunday, all I believe designed to sound innocuous, but I could feel that there was more to this than that.
Now James is a lawyer. She met him through work, and because he also has a Chinese wife, she became friends with him. he is anglo by the way.
Sounds plausible right? Well its not. There's more to this than my wife has been letting on.
By the 7th mention of James, my wife said:
"Would you like to meet James? I told him about you."
I replied by saying:
"Why would I want to meet a stranger?"
My response was terse, but I had grown frustrated with this charade by my wife, and it was a desperate display as far as I was concerned, but she still persisted in trying to put an innocent spin on events.
Well, she stopped talking about James after that.
But later on that night, I remembered something that she asked me about 4 months ago. I didn't think anything of it back then, but it was a strange comment none the less.
The more I think about it, the more it all fits.
It seems that James and I are not actually strangers after all. In fact I think we teach at the same university.
Just lying in bed that night I knew a lot of things didn't make sense. The email episode, her claim of only 4 or 5 phone calls, and her strange comment about 4 months ago.
..its starting to make a bit more sense now...but maybe I need to check on a few facts first...but more on that later.
It has been a very strange period for me lately. I am a neurologist and see patients daily who are suffering from terrible afflictions caused by injuries or illnesses like catastrophic head injuries, strokes, Parkinsons disease and Alzheimers.
I need to have constant attention to detail, as I am dealing with quality of life, and in some cases life itself.
Although it has not affected my work yet, I am doing my best to guarantee that IT NEVER does, so I write on this blog late at night in my desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the immense distress I have been going through.
Anyway, back to that strange weekend, and here we are at Sunday.
For most of the morning my wife was exceptionally nice to me. She would call me "honey" repeatedly, and on a few ocassions she called me by my baby name (the name my mother calls me to this day).
My wife would only act like this when she was extremely happy, or when she was preparing to persuade me about something.
Anyway, about mid-morning, although I didn't realise at the time, my wife started on what was probably a well thought out plan to introduce me to a new person she had apparently just met.
She started making references to a "James", a man she met through her work, but according to her had never met in person once.
She however did mention to me that she had spoken to James 4 or 5 times on the phone (although she mentioned nothing about emails).
Now I counted 7 separate references to James on that Sunday, all I believe designed to sound innocuous, but I could feel that there was more to this than that.
Now James is a lawyer. She met him through work, and because he also has a Chinese wife, she became friends with him. he is anglo by the way.
Sounds plausible right? Well its not. There's more to this than my wife has been letting on.
By the 7th mention of James, my wife said:
"Would you like to meet James? I told him about you."
I replied by saying:
"Why would I want to meet a stranger?"
My response was terse, but I had grown frustrated with this charade by my wife, and it was a desperate display as far as I was concerned, but she still persisted in trying to put an innocent spin on events.
Well, she stopped talking about James after that.
But later on that night, I remembered something that she asked me about 4 months ago. I didn't think anything of it back then, but it was a strange comment none the less.
The more I think about it, the more it all fits.
It seems that James and I are not actually strangers after all. In fact I think we teach at the same university.
Just lying in bed that night I knew a lot of things didn't make sense. The email episode, her claim of only 4 or 5 phone calls, and her strange comment about 4 months ago.
..its starting to make a bit more sense now...but maybe I need to check on a few facts first...but more on that later.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
The Hotmail account
Well, I can at least say that my weekend was eventful.
Matters have been somewhat of a stalemate for a while now, but last weekend something changed.
I am yet however to work out whether things have changed for the better or worse.
It all began on the Saturday. We were all ill with cold, so we decided to take a nap in the afternoon.
My mother-in-law went to bed, I put our son to bed, and my wife and I went to bed as well.
However after about 20 minutes my wife got quietly out of bed. I expected her to return soon, thinking she went to the bathroom, but she did not return.
So I simply tried to get some sleep.
After another half hour, I wasn't getting any real rest because I had a conjected chest, so I decided to get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Given that my son and mother-in-law were asleep, I walked quietly to the living area on my way to the kitchen.
Our kitchen is closed-plan ajoins our living area. Our living area is large and contains a makeshift office, typically used by me when I am reviewing patient records, whilst also looking after my son.
My wife has her own home office, which is right next to our bedroom.
Well uncharacteristicly, I saw my wife at my desk in the living area, using my PC. She chose for her own reasons not to use her own office, which she almost always uses.
She did not hear me approaching. As I got closer, I tried not to look at what she was doing, partly because I felt it was an invasion of her privacy, and party because I was afraid of what I would see.
But I just couldn't resist!
As I approached I could see that she was using her hotmail email account. It was clear to me from where I was that she was reviewing and then deleting emails, one after the other, from the "sent" folder.
Now my wife and I both have home email accounts that we access mutually. I often ask my wife to access my email from home and she does likewise with me. But this email account, the Hotmail account, is my wife's "private" email account.
I know it exists, but it has always been clear to me that it is out-of-bounds to me.
Anyway, as I got closer, my wife finally heard me.
She was startled by my presence. She literally jumped out of her seat, and let out a slight scream..."ahhhhhhhhhh!".
Her immediate comment after that was, "You scared me!"
Almost as soon as she said that, she minimised the web browser on my computer and then proceeded to close the PC down, fumbling nervously as she proceeded.
My obvious inclination was to ask her why she was acting so suspiciously, but knowing her as I do, she would simply have dismissed my comment and she would have walked away, so I thought that nothing would be gained by speaking up.
So I said nothing. But for one short second though, our eyes met, and I deteceted a nervousness about her that I don't often see.
After this incident, I got a strong feeling that something had know become undeniably "unresolved" in this little charade that we were playing, and I half expected my wife to try and somehow explain things away asomehow, to try and bring back the semblence of harmony.
Although these things are hard to explain properly, I did "sense" that my self-restraint spoke much louder than any words I could have mustered, and it seemed to me that my wife felt very uncomfortable with the situation. I felt as clearly as day follows night, that my wife would somehow try to address this situation, I just didn't know how or when.
.......but I didn't need to wait long, as when Sunday came along, I could feel that my wife was preparing to tell me something, in one form or another.
More on this next time, as such events are exhausting and I do not wish to dwell on this for longer than I need to.
Matters have been somewhat of a stalemate for a while now, but last weekend something changed.
I am yet however to work out whether things have changed for the better or worse.
It all began on the Saturday. We were all ill with cold, so we decided to take a nap in the afternoon.
My mother-in-law went to bed, I put our son to bed, and my wife and I went to bed as well.
However after about 20 minutes my wife got quietly out of bed. I expected her to return soon, thinking she went to the bathroom, but she did not return.
So I simply tried to get some sleep.
After another half hour, I wasn't getting any real rest because I had a conjected chest, so I decided to get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Given that my son and mother-in-law were asleep, I walked quietly to the living area on my way to the kitchen.
Our kitchen is closed-plan ajoins our living area. Our living area is large and contains a makeshift office, typically used by me when I am reviewing patient records, whilst also looking after my son.
My wife has her own home office, which is right next to our bedroom.
Well uncharacteristicly, I saw my wife at my desk in the living area, using my PC. She chose for her own reasons not to use her own office, which she almost always uses.
She did not hear me approaching. As I got closer, I tried not to look at what she was doing, partly because I felt it was an invasion of her privacy, and party because I was afraid of what I would see.
But I just couldn't resist!
As I approached I could see that she was using her hotmail email account. It was clear to me from where I was that she was reviewing and then deleting emails, one after the other, from the "sent" folder.
Now my wife and I both have home email accounts that we access mutually. I often ask my wife to access my email from home and she does likewise with me. But this email account, the Hotmail account, is my wife's "private" email account.
I know it exists, but it has always been clear to me that it is out-of-bounds to me.
Anyway, as I got closer, my wife finally heard me.
She was startled by my presence. She literally jumped out of her seat, and let out a slight scream..."ahhhhhhhhhh!".
Her immediate comment after that was, "You scared me!"
Almost as soon as she said that, she minimised the web browser on my computer and then proceeded to close the PC down, fumbling nervously as she proceeded.
My obvious inclination was to ask her why she was acting so suspiciously, but knowing her as I do, she would simply have dismissed my comment and she would have walked away, so I thought that nothing would be gained by speaking up.
So I said nothing. But for one short second though, our eyes met, and I deteceted a nervousness about her that I don't often see.
After this incident, I got a strong feeling that something had know become undeniably "unresolved" in this little charade that we were playing, and I half expected my wife to try and somehow explain things away asomehow, to try and bring back the semblence of harmony.
Although these things are hard to explain properly, I did "sense" that my self-restraint spoke much louder than any words I could have mustered, and it seemed to me that my wife felt very uncomfortable with the situation. I felt as clearly as day follows night, that my wife would somehow try to address this situation, I just didn't know how or when.
.......but I didn't need to wait long, as when Sunday came along, I could feel that my wife was preparing to tell me something, in one form or another.
More on this next time, as such events are exhausting and I do not wish to dwell on this for longer than I need to.
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