Some cross-cultural problems in our marriage

I have been having some ongoing issues with my wife that unfortunately aren't going away.

It involves children.

Firstly, I have been hoping to having a second child, but it seems my wife is not receptive to this. She is of the view that another child will get in the way of her career. Although this may be true, I just don't think one child is optimal, and it is actually not fair on our first born either.

I keep telling my wife that there is no one-child policy in Australia, but she simply won't budge.

At the end of the day I have to respect her wishes, but what she told me the other day really upset me.

By way of explaining why she didn't want another child, my wife told me that she asked her mother whether she should have one, and then her sister in China whether she should have one. They both told her that it is too expensive to have another child, and for her to refuse my requests.

I became very upset by this revelation, because my wife should be discussing these matters with me, not her mother and her sister.

It seems that important decisions about my family are being made by an elderly lady whose view of the world is of a by-gone era, and by a woman who lives in China and was only allowed to have one child.

Well, what about my views? What about our child who has often asked for baby brother?

And regarding it being too expensive, well I am a medical professional for heavens sake. Money is simply not an issue.

What really bothers me is that she would not have told me this if I didn't push her. She simply decided, between herself, her mothera nd her sister, and I would have not even been informed of this very important decision had I not been persistent.

In her defense, she claims that Chinese women do not involve men in these decisions. I told her that I find that quite remarkable, that this is a human right, and that no father would willingly take no interest in the size of his family.

She keeps trying to explain things by saying that as a Westerner, I do not understand.

I think that's true, I do not understand. But that does not excuse her behaviour.

Chinese and Homosexuality

A week after the Chinese New Year's parade, I was sitting in front of the TV late Sunday night and happened to come across another parade in Sydney, this time the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

This is an annual event in Sydney which attracts tens if not hundreds of thousands of people from Australia and abroad, to either participate in the parade or to simply be a spectator.

Now in terms of comparison, the Margi Gras is all about pride, and interestingly I noticed the same sense of pride amongst the marchers in the Mardi Gras as in the week prior with the Chinese.

Apart from that, I also noticed that the Mardi Gras seemed to have an over-representation of Asian and Chinese marchers, presumably because they were gay.

Now I have often heard amongst Chinese women their belief that many Chinese men are "too feminine", but I have rarely experienced this myself. What I did notice at the Margi Gras however was that almost all the gay asians marching were feminine, as opposed to all other marchers. At least this is how it seemed to me.

I was also surprised at the number of asian lesbians, and how they were also almost all feminine in appearance as well. In contrast amongst other races, there was a visible proportian of butch lesbians as well.

At the end of the day however this was just an interesting little distraction for me that I came across while channel surfing on a Sunday night at home.

However as I was watching, my wife walked into the room.

She first seemed excited thinking it was a reply of the Chinese parade. When I explained what this march was about, her mood changed, and she then began a tirade of commentary, using many profanities that I cannot type on this blog, as an expression of her complete distaste and hatred for this lifestyle.

Knowing my wife as I do I did not enter into a debate with her, but it is a given that she and I have many diametrically opposed social views, and discussion or debate will not change this.

My wife did however make a comment which caught me by surprise, and lead me to ponder how we would both react in the event that our child turned out to be gay one day.

What I found so surprising was my wife's insistenance that if I son was ever gay, that she would never associate with him again, and that she would likely commit suicide.

I responded by saying that given that its her only child, whom she loves more than life itself, that she will probably learn to live with it, as most parents do, for the sake of her child.

Well, I should know better than to engage in these kind of discussions with my wife, and as expected my wife began directing her spitefullness towards me, suggesting that I could be sending sub-concious signals to our son that it is okay to be gay.

She ended the conversation by saying that if our son turned out to be gay, she would be blaming me because she thinks my views are a bad influence on him.

Hmm?!

Chinese Pride

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Last week, as we do every year, we went into the city to watch the Chinese New Year Parade.

We typically catch a train and make an afternoon of it.

My son seems to enjoy it, but it seems to be more important to me and my wife. My mother-in-law has of course seen it all before, and I get the feeling that she simply tags along just to get out of the house, rather than having a special connection to the event.

For me and my wife however, we both feel a sense of pride in this event, for different reasons of course.

We get to see the normal characters and events one expects on such a day, including the lion, the dragon, the fireworks and of course the dragon boat races.

For me however I get most enjoyment in watching the parade, where I see a procession of Chinese in many glorious outfits, all representing some unique group or ocassion, and many of whom seem to have come directly from China,  who walk with their chest out and their head high, and an obvious sense of pride in their heritage.

This is really lovely to watch.

The pride is contagious, and I also feel proud on behalf of my son and my wife.

This is a really important distiction between the Chinese in this country, and possibly around the world, and other ethnic groupings.

The Chinese seem to have a genuine desire to intergrate and fully engage in the country and community that they are part of.You in fact see a real over-representation of Chinese when you visit the local swimming pools, RSL clubs, children's sporting events, some entertainment venues and educational facilities. This is not necessarly the case with some other ethnic identities, so it seems that the Chinese really try and embrace all the opportunities in life that comes their way.

But importantly, they do not abandon their own identity or heritage in the process.

So rather than remain isolated in their own identity on the one hand, or lose their identity completely on the other, they seem to manage a balance which is both of best worlds.

I hope very much that my son will also adopt this view of the world, which I believe is not only healthy to the individual, but also a blessing to the broader community as well.

Chinese Relations

I read a very interesting article in the newspaper today claiming that there is a growing number of Chinese men who believe that they have contracted HIV while visiting a prostitute.

According to the medical authorities, this is a psychological issue rather than a medical one, as none of the men tested had HIV or any other related illness.

An interesting reference was made that the symptoms experienced may be the result of the guilt associated with visiting a prostitute.

Its an interesting hypothesis which I don't necesserily buy, but the news article did trigger off memories for me of an association between Chinese women and Prostitution that I had been subjected to, unfortunately on too many ocassions, when I first started dating my wife.

Many years ago when I first started dating my wife, I have been on the wrong end of sarcastic and sometimes jokular wisecracks about the nature of my relationship.

These comments, which were at first a nuisance but later became a real irritation, included things like:

• Did you pick her up from the brothel?
• How much does it cost you for a happy ending? (aparently a term for paid sex)
• How much does she cost per hour?

.............well, you get the picture.

These comments came exclusively from male colleagues, including doctors, nurses and other medical professionals.

What I was not aware of at the time, but I learned the hard way, was that the Chinese had earned a reputation for monopolising prostitution, at least in Sydney.

After I became quite annoyned by one comment, my colleague, by way of explanation, showed me the personal ads section of the local community newspaper, and it seemed that up to 90% of all the ads for prostitutes were for "Asians" or "Chinese".

Not quite the reputation one would be proud of.

Now given my line of work, I have come into contact with prostitutes from time to time, due to their addictions. I have never however knowingly come into contact with a Chinese prostitute, and certainly not in my line of work.

So I suspect that unlike Australian-born prostitutes who live that life primarily because of their drug addiction, Chinese born prostitutes see it merely as a business, just another way of making money.

Now given my conservative Protestant upbringing, I don't know which is worse, but my heart tells me that at least a drug addict has no real control over their life.

Chinese New Year & the story of the Lion

Well, its that time of the year again, Chinese New Year.

We typically catch a train into the city and watch the procession through China town and into the main city street.

Tens of thousands of people gather to watch what I believe is a festival that is celebrated in more places and by more people than even Christmas. This says a lot about the influence of the Chinese globally.  

I always enjoy the sounds of the drums, the processions of the fabled dragons, and the myths behind the fearsome Lion.

Typically, the Lion is sent to visit all the Chinese restaurants in China town, to bring them good luck. This at first sounds quite strange given the fear that the Lion is supposed to instill in all who see him.

I think however the Lion represents a deep cultural pillar within the Chinese psyche, probably as a remnant of Confusionism, which places a lot of emphasis in the Yin and Yang of life.

In fact and as it was once explained to me, the Lion represents the very nature of life, which includes accepting the bad as well as the good.

The story goes something like this:

"Long long ago, a fearsome Lion used to terrorise a small village in China, a village that otherwise had plenty of rainfall and very healthy crops every year.

One day however the villagers got tired of the threats that the Lion imposed on their lives, and so they decided to get together and scare the Lion away with the sound of loud drums.

They did just this, and the Lion left from the proximity of the village.

However from the moment the Lion left, the village ceased getting any rainfall, and their crops failed every year.

In desperation, the villagers decided to do what they could to bring the Lion back, and offered gifts of food and meat in order to entice him back. Once the Lion came back, the rains began to fall again.

As a result, the villagers came to accept that for the good to come, some bad had to be accepted, and in many ways this goes to the heart of Chinese values."

I would like to think that my inter-cultural, inter racial marriage, in many regards, follows the same pattern of thinking. Although some issues are undoubtedly there, in order for us to enjoy the good, we have to also accept the not so good. It is as much a theme for marriage as it is for life.

Strange Chinese Habits 1 - Spitting in Public

One of the first things I noticed about my wife's behaviour when we first started to date was her constant spitting.

We would be walking in a shopping centre and she would frequently walk up to a bin and spit.

When walking on a public street, she would at times spit on the street.

This is not something particular to her alone, it is in fact quite common amongst the Chinese. This need to spit repeatedly is so common in China that the Chinese government had gone to great lengths prior to the Beijing Olympics to re-educate the Chinese against spitting in public.

So why do they do it?

I can't be certain.

It could be argued that its a reaction to the extreme air pollution in some Chinese cities, however my wife left China before it really began to industrialise with a vigour, and she herself has never experienced high levels of air pollution.

I would add that the spitting continues day and night, inside the house and out.

Although as a Westerner I find this practice quite distasteful, I have simply learned to ignore it when it comes to my wife. I have even learned to get used to the two or three times during our love making that she will stop, run to the bathroom, spit, and then come back.

But what I find disturbing is that now my son is starting this habit as well. There are times when I am simply having a conversation with him, and while talking I can hear him making a strange noise in his throat.

This strange shrilling noise is a common pre-cursor to the spit, and not long after, my son runs to the bathroom to spit in the toilet.

When I ask him why he does it, he explains that he doesn't know.

My wife did make a comment once that she considered mucous to be unhygenic and bad for the body, and so she prefers to spit it out rather than swallow it. Maybe its something as simple as that. We as Westerners simply clear our throat by swallowing, whereas the Chinese clear their throats by spitting.

Hmmm?

Bi-Racial Children

I found this interesting blog post on the particular complications a family is confronted with when having bi-racial children., from one of Australia's most popular online News sites.
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People are often shocked to learn that CJ is in fact one quarter Filipino.

Yes, he looks like my clone - but unlike me, he does get a tan as evidenced by his thong marks acquired this summer.

For me, CJ’s looks have never been an issue. But for his father there has always been a concern that people look at him and wonder how he fits into the picture. Is he my second husband? Have I moved on rather fast? Is he the babysitter, the nanny?

He told me the other day that he has thought about what he would do if CJ was having a tantrum and refusing to walk with him (which being 19, almost 20-months old he does a LOT). He assumes that someone will think he is taking a stranger’s child. He plans to show them the photos in his wallet and tell them mater of factly that he is CJ’s dad.

I cringe when people look at the three of us and say “Geez mate, your genes really didn’t get a look in with that one”.



A friend of mine has a similar situation. While I think her daughter looks like her, she is often stopped in the street and asked about “her heritage”. It drives her nuts. Almost every day she has to explain why her daughter has blond curls while she has dark hair and dark skin. She told me “She’s my daughter, her looks shouldn’t matter, I shouldn’t have to explain everyday.”

As more and more people have inter-racial marriages, more and more couples will come up against this issue. It is also possible that I could have another child that has dark skin, dark eyes and black hair. CJ could look nothing like his sibling. I do wonder what the kids at school will say to them if they look like polar opposites.

But what do you think? Do looks really matter? Have you ever asked a mum or dad why their child looks so different to them? Has it happened to you? Does it drive you crazy?

Lastly, Merry Christmas everyone. I’m going on holidays with my boys for a few weeks. Naughty Corner will be back in the new year with a big surprise.

Inter Racial Divorce part 3

Well, this news item below is quite timely as it relates to my previous post on false allegations of child sexual abuse made disproportionately by separating Chinese born mothers. On the surface at least this is becoming all too common and very distressing for all Anglo fathers in inter racial marriages.

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Sex abuse accused father fights back

LAURIE NOWELL | From: Sunday Herald Sun | January 24, 2010

A DAD cleared of claims he sexually abused his kids is now hitting back at his ex wife.

The man is accusing his ex-wife of perjury, assault and threatening to kill.

The legal action, believed to be a first for Victoria, will set a controversial precedent and could open the floodgates to similar cases.

"Bill", whose identity cannot be revealed for legal reasons, is alleging his wife deliberately lied when she made allegations that he had sexually abused their children.

His affidavit was accepted by the Melbourne Magistrates' Court last week, a hearing date has been set for next month and a summons was due to be served on Friday.

The case stems from a criminal trial during which Bill spent two years fighting charges based on his wife's allegations.

He was eventually acquitted, but the ordeal cost him his job, his home and about $450,000 in lost income and legal costs. The case is also based on similar accusations of sexual abuse of their children made by the ex-wife during a bitter Family Court battle.

The Family Court judge found Bill's ex-wife to be violent, untruthful, lacking moral values and responsible for the psychological and emotional abuse of her children - but still gave her custody of the two girls, now aged 9 and 11, because they had become estranged from their father.

By contrast, Bill was found to have shown "laudable forbearance in the face of the most challenging circumstances".

Australian Bureau of Statistics figures show about 2.5 million Australians are denied access to family because of family law proceedings, and about 680,000 fathers see their children as little as once a year.

ABS figures also show 700,000 children have no meaningful contact with one of their non-custodial parents - mostly fathers.

Bill said yesterday he was bringing the case because he felt betrayed by the justice system.

"The Family Court have cut me off from my children effectively because of false evidence brought by my wife," Bill said.

"In 2005, she went to the police and made the allegations and then prepared the children on what they should say. The result was my kids were taken away from me.

"I proved my own innocence and that she had lied on both occasions - in the criminal trial and in the Family Court matter.

"My life with my kids was destroyed. If people can lie in court and hurt others by their utterances and statements, what is the point of the law?"

The case will intensify the current national debate over the operation of the Family Court and the principle of shared parenting, which is under attack by women's groups and is being reviewed by the Rudd Government.

Bill's ex-wife is facing charges of perjury, assault and making a threat to kill.

The charges allege that she knowingly and wilfully made 10 pages of false statements to police in September 2005 and perjured herself by repeating the allegations in a sworn affidavit during a Family Court hearing in 2008.

She is also accused of threatening to kill Bill in 2004 and of assaulting him with chopsticks and fingernails in 2000.

Law Institute of Victoria chief executive Michael Brett Young said private criminal prosecutions were rare, but not unheard of.

"This man will have to prove his case, like anyone else, in the criminal courts," Mr Young said.