Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Song of the Sirens

Well, I finally have my wife's banking details. She has saved a lot of money over the course of our marriage, and before.

I did not expect her to so casually provide her bank account details to me, especially given her refusal to do so in the past, but she probably thought she had no choice.

This surprisingly does not make me feel relieved or satisfied. In fact I feel more frustrated than ever, especially when I consider why it has taken so long, and why there was so much resistance.

I sometimes think back to when we first met, and I wonder why I never picked up on her "Me not Us" view of marriage. Or if I did, why or how I let it get to this point.

I remember in fact the day that we met, and all the circumstances behind it. I had been about a year out of a long-term relationship, and my colleague and his wife invited me for dinner at a restaurant.

Once dinner was over, they surprised me by providing me a ticket, and dropping me off in the city for what I was to find out was a speed-dating evening.

Now I am not the most charming of men, and I often get tongue tied in these situations, so I felt quite uneasy about going ahead with this, but I thought it may be a good laugh if nothing else, so I gave it a shot.

I waited for an anxious half an hour in a bar with another 30 or so men and women, all strangers to me.

Most of the men and women congregated in small groups. It was obvious to me that women came prepared in groups, while men came alone but grouped up out of necessity.

Despite feeling anxious at being all alone, I felt quite out of my element, and stood there like a statue until the event formally began.

It was at that point that I caught my wife's attention. She too was alone, and as far as I could tell, very shy.

Once formalities began, we got to sit down with each person of the opposite sex for 5 minutes each, and then move on. We were told to make small-talk, but not talk about our work, and not to provide private contact information.

I actually did not like the majority of the women I spoke to, because I felt that they were too self-involved, too demanding, too assertive. But when I got to sit with my wife, it was obvious that we hit it off straight away.

We did not talk about work, money, success, or anything of the sought. It was merely small talk, just a little banter and fun.

So I thought she liked me for me.

In any case I didn't really pursue her, except for the fact that she managed to get my mobile phone number by nights end.

Come next day, I really cooled off on her, and decided that if she called, I would simply make up some excuse, and hopefully she would get the idea.

And so it happened, problem is, she didn't get the message.

So she kept calling, and calling, and calling, and finally I guess I simply caved in to her ongoing request to go out one night.

So try as I may, I can't see how I missed those vital calling signs of things to come....or am I missing something here?


Anonymous said...

People marry for a variety of reasons. Although many of your wife's ideas may seem immature, hey, everyone grows at a different rate. Also, ultimately, most of life really is about selfishness and trying to have one's needs met. Hopefully, in your marriage, each of you will help meet the needs of the other.

I wouldn't call your wife a gold-digger, as some other posters have. Honestly, some of the other posters seem to have a chip on their shoulder.

It is fair to ask your wife contribute to your new house. If she doesn't wish to contribute, she should sign a post-nuptial agreement that the house is to be entirely yours, and that she has no claim on it. I might insist even she sign an agreement for the current house if she didn't wish to contribute to the new house.

A better indication of the health of your marriage is your wife's willingness to compromise. If you tell her something is important to you, is she willing to work to satisfy you in this regard? Of course, it goes both ways.

Buying a new house is stressful. It puts a strain on a marriage. You should talk to your wife about how stressed it makes you, what your worries are. It would also be good to talk to her about how you met, if you haven't already. Her point of view may be somewhat different than your own.


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Anonymous said...

I am a Chinese, married to an European, but to me my husband is first and foremost a normal person which I want to share my life with. His race does not matter to me. But we do experience that a lot of people view race as a primary attribute of our marriage (and hence all that differences and "hardship" they imagine). Sometimes this is all that they can see.

I read some of your posts about your wife, like this one. I would say it is unfair that she completely holds her economy behind your back, and that to me, she appears like a gold-digger. And there is another post where she commented on her own mother's and another woman's educational background and their compatibility, I am sorry to say that but I think she is quite judgemental and may have some prejudice.

However, honestly, I think to judge someone with one's educational background may be quite stereotypical "Chinese", as China has so many people, but not everyone in China has the access/opportunity to higher education, hence those who have a Bachelor degree (or higher) or work in the educational industry may have a self-imposed privileged feeling. This, in itself, is very sad and ridiculous, because I think one important purpose of getting education is to learn that life is more than a piece of paper.

What my husband and I wonder about is whether your wife reads this blog?

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute. In your introduction blog entry you said,

"We met professionally. I am a medical practitioner and she is an accountant. I needed to find a new accountant, and well, as they say..."

In this blog entry you said you met on some speed dating gathering. So, which is it?

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?