Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Inevitable Consequence

My wife is currently in China on holidays. She is with my son. She has gone with my blessing and my support.

It is a positive thing, given what we have just gone through recently. The fact that I agreed for my child to go oversease to a country like China without my presence, indicates something positive in an otherwise gloomy recent past.

What I mean by this should become very clear soon.

I guess it is at this point where I declare that we are in fact separated.

Anyway, it has been a very difficult last few months.

I guess you never really know someone unless you actually separate from them, and witness their reaction.

Our separation has for the most part been amicable, given the complex financial circumstances we were in.

I had come to the conclusion that our relationship simply would not work, and I realised that the longer I waited, the more vulnerable I would be to exploitation.

The fact that we just made a huge investment in a large house, although at first I thought to be a stabilising influence, made determining the genuine status of our relationship all the more urgent.

So it was I who separated from her.

Although I had planned to do this for a few weeks, when I finally did do it it was the result of a misundertanding on my part regarding a phone call she received.

I did not say anything but I assumed the worst, only to find out days later that it was an error on my part. It seemed I had grown weary and paranoid.

In any case, it didn't really matter. I did what I had to do, being the inevitable consequence of unresolved issues from our past.

The good thing is that during this period of separation, I have cleanly untangled my finances from hers, and managed to get a full account of her own net worth.

Wow!! I can't believe how much money she saved during our marriage, while I was paying for all her expenses.

Anyway, being separated, especially being the initiator of separation, gave me a strange sense of control. This is something that I had very little of for the bulk of our marriage.

I was able to request that she provide her true financial circumstances to me, as I did to her, in order to try and arrange an equitable financial agreement between us.

I was also able to make requests of my son's time, that were previously never afforded to me, regardless of how reasonable and just my requests may have been.

I asked for my son to stay with me for 2 days per week, and during this time my son has been actually able to visit his paternal family without interferance, for the first time ever.

One request that I have yet to have her agree to has been for my son to stay overnight with me.

It is hard to fathom that she objects to my 8 year old son staying overnight with me, yet she had allowed my son to go interstate on his own to visit his aunty for a whole week, without even blinking.

However, this is something that I have been working on.

I think I will just have to force the issue when they return from China, as it is not a genuine concern, of this I am sure. I believe that she is on some level at least gaming the child support system, which determines level of support on the number of overnight stays with each parent.

In any case, I must be patient and try and to slowly persuade her to the wisdom of sharing the load, and hopefully common sense will prevail.

I should also mention that since our separation she has written on 7 occassions asking that we reconcile. These have been quite detailed letters. She clearly has gone to a lot of effort.

However I am not seriously considering such a move, but on an emotional level it does make the separation easier to bare at least.


Justin Agar said...

Cheer up. It's not like she will be gone for quite some time.

Anonymous said...

Hope you find happiness whatever happens.

Anonymous said...

It's always tough when children are involved. I know first hand. However, it always seems to work out for the best. I wish you well.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said,

I am now in my second inter-racial marriage. My first lasted four and a half years and ended in total disaster. I haven't seen my children from that marriage (a boy and a girl) for more than thirty years, and I find that it's now less painful for me to forget them tan to try to establish contact with them. I do have very indirect contact with both, but they really don't want to know me and I'm at the point in my life where I simply don't want to try any more.

My second marriage is into it's thirty third year. I have a step-daughter and a biological son. The marriage has been on the rocks for the past fifteen years or so due to my wife's incessant unjustified suspicion and paranoia. I have never cheated on her, never even considered it until recently, when I finally thought "If I'm going to get accused of all this shit, I might as well do it so that at least I "get my money's worth"". I still haven't, though.

After all this, I would still consider another inter-racial relationship, but I would be much, much more careful next time.

I'm sorry if this seems negative, but that has been my experience. A relationship between people of different cultures can only be successful if both parties are honest with each other. A white western man has to ask himself if the relationship is real and mutual, or if the other party is just seeking to gain some kind of advantage for herself, whether financial or for citizenship.

I wish you luck and hope that you can resolve your problem.

Anonymous said...

You know have been kvetching on your blog about your wife's every peculiarity even down to her personal habits...and if I understand it correctly your'e ready to call it quits even after seven heartfelt entreties by her via mail to give it another chance...and your considering a relationship with another woman...even another 'Chinese' one?...hmmm...I think maybe you didn't think it through when you got into this relationship with this person...noticce I see she like all of us she is a person with her own agenda...fears, concerns hopes dreams...etc. and I think you like some Western men considered her your own personal China Doll...and are perplexed now that your Doll is not behaving as you would like...why don't you grow a set and try to work out your relationship instead of comlaining about every little nuiance on your blogs. I wonder what SHE could blog ????? "My whimpy, whiney Western husbnand..."

Anonymous said...

This is a very interesting blog, I've been researchung interracial relationships between Chinese women and Westerners and found your writing extremely useful and fascinating. You seem like a sensible man, I have no doubt that you will come through this well. Having been in interracial relationships myself, I've developed a sixth sense for recogonising the early signs of incompatibility. Everyone is an individual but we're also heavilt influenced by our culture, peers, upbringing and environment. If you really like Chinese women maybe consider one born in Austrailia who shares the same western values as you? Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

So this is it.... im so sorry for you, man. Still, even after reading all your entries, its still quite puzzling to me if your wife loved you or your status. Maybe its both, something that i never understood but that i read around a lot about being it common in asian cultures where money and affection are linked. It just seems weird to a western me like me, tough, but its obvious from this blog that chinese culture is so damn different from westerners's that our women, while coming from venus, seems closer in comparison.
Anyway, i wish you the best for the future.... be it a bachelor live, a sexual active single live or a new marriage.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dude....I feel bad for you about the marriage and your kid issues, but on the other hand, you need to stick up for yourself. I married a mainland Chinese woman and have lived in China for over 10 years. I have a few American friends that have married young, immature Chinese girls and they are dealing with the same crap as you are. However, many of my friends who have Chinese wives are very happy. All of the signs we're there when you were dating your wife before marriage, it's just that I'm sure the sex was good and you fell for the girl. My advice is, Your not going to be able to change your wife's thinking. I would look to become financially independent and protect yourself and your child. You need to voice your opinion and not let your wife dominate you. Good luck man and stay strong! Jake.....

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this. It is so similar to my own experience it is uncanny, except that my wife is Russian. I have spent a lot of time in China and there is remarkable similarity between the two cultures as regards family matters.

When you marry a person from Russia or China, you know you are going to support the wife's parents, but that is not expensive. The bigger issue is the pragmatism of Russians and Chinese. Pragmatism takes various forms ...

First, women the world over have a completely different agenda to men. A man wants a soulmate, lover, to share adventures in life, just one of which is raising a family. That generally is not the woman's view: the woman wants someone to give her attention and make her feel good, to support her and her family well, to give her security, to provide things that allow her to have good face with her friends.

My Russian wife, over 10 years, managed to acquire 8 apartments, while I just worked away ... with none of the things that show off etc. I mean she has 8 apartments nicely hidden away! A millionaire .. And if any are sold, then it is "her" money even though the money to buy them came from me. So first lesson, is NEVER have anything but joint ownership of land or property, or better still you buy it, not her.

Second, doing things with our daughter, who is now 7, is very difficult, even taking her down town to museums etc. With my two from my first marriage I take them to the mountains in winter even for days at a time, and they have a really great time. All three children are very close to me, but how odd the one daughter from my 2nd wife is not allowed to go places with her dad is very odd. "Allowed" as in I wear the pants, but she has been indoctrinated not to do anything contrary to her mother's word as well as mine. Wives spend a lot of time with children ..

I have never been accused of infidelity, as my wife knows me well enough to know I play things straight.

So my 2nd tip in life: ALWAYS get a DNA test on your children regardless of how much you trust your wife. It saves discovering later that you are really supporting someone else's family.

I separated after getting fed up with all the pressure for more money and the final straw when she bought another apartment and sensed something was seriously not right with how she would not let "our" daughter do things with me. Then I realised she does not look like me at all: amazing how you think a child has your features when they are small, but as they get older it shows more clearly. I got the DNA testing done, and sure enough, confirmed my suspicious, so then divorced her.

One great thing: divorce is really easy, cheap and fast in Russia and China. $200. And you get time with your children, without your wife there, and everyone enjoys themselves 10 times more.

Recently a Chinese girl on a TV programme in China when asked to choose between a rich sleeze-bag and a charming but poor man, she answered "I would rather cry in the back of a BMW than laugh on a bicycle". Sums it up very well.

Anonymous said...

Congrats, you did the right thing. It was never meant to be. It is obvious picking a good wife is not your talent. You were naive. Learn from your mistake and move on.

Anonymous said...

It is so uncanny that I can relate ALOT to your blog in what has been happening with my chinese wife too. But I am chinese myself and I still cant fathom her so I dont blame you for feeling loss. Your blog just make me feel NORMAL and I thank you for that. I think the verdict is clear: women are not reliable. Is there anyway you can email me all your blogs?

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?