Saturday, May 29, 2010

Nothing is clearer, it is just a stalemate for now

Well, since my episode of paranoia, nothing has happened to clarify matters.

I tried to talk to my wife once about my concerns, but she was completely dismissive. Before I had even had a chance to explain my concern, she responded with:

"Oh your just being silly!"

...and she walked away.

So I get the feeling that she does not want to discuss the matter, or that it simply does not register for her and she is not sensitive to how I feel at this point in time.

When I hear her mobile phone signal with a text message, my heart skips a beat, but I try hard to ignore it. She still behaves oddly, as if the message is so private that she cannot read it while in the same room as me.

A few days ago I walked past the bedroom and saw her busily typing a text message on her phone. When I asked her who she was texting, she said:

"Just a friend"

I then said" "Who?"

She responded in an agitated voice, "Just a friend, you don't know them"

Now I keep asking myself whether I am simply being paranoid, in a effort to talk myself out of this anxiety I am experiencing. At the end of the day, I know that all of this can be explained away in a perfectly reasonable manner. I recall not that long ago that my wife suspected something was going on in my life, and it wasn't, so I could just be going through the same thing.

And I can't get over how she would be willing to lose something that she seems to value more than anything else in her life. No, not me, but something far more valuable to her.

I remember when we were preparing to get married, she asked me if once we were married, whether she too could use the title of "doctor", given that her husband is a doctor. She reasoned that this is the case with Knighted men who marry.

I wasn't sure whether she was joking or serious, but I realised early on that my being a doctor meant everything to her, as it does to her mother. I am quite sure that everyone from her mother's village knows that my mother-in-laws daughter is married to a doctor, and not just any doctor but a specialist. I am subjected to some kind of awe from all my mother-in-laws friends every time I come into contact with them, and they all insist on calling me "doctor" instead of my name, and they touch my hand almost messiah like as if some of my good luck would rub off on them.

It seems to me beyond belief that my wife, and just as importantly her mother, would risk losing this title that they wear like a badge of honour, which has given them the right to hold their head up high amongst their community, in a display of superiority.

The chinese I have found to be aspirational to the extreme, and excessive displays of ones success, although being something which may be frowned upon in the west, is second nature to many chinese.

I keep asking myself, "how could they risk losing this?". It just doesn't make sense.

....or am I simply trying to convince myself too hard.

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?