Things have pretty much settled down in my relationship, at least that's what I have been telling myself.
However I have recently had a very vivid dream which has kinda thrown things upside down for me, at least emotionally.
I am still baffled as to what it means, and why it has appeared now.
My dream has me separated from my wife, contemplating my future.
In reality I am 7 years younger than my wife, but in my dream I was 20 years younger than my wife, as irrational as that may sound, but it felt like an unquestionable truth.
In this dream I also felt a sense of comfort in knowing that my wife was probably too old to have another child.
This I felt freed me to consider my future, where I had decided that it was time for me to meet another woman.
Here's the crunch though, I got into a conflicting mind-set, trying to work out whether I should allow myself to enter a relationship with another Chinese woman, or a woman of any other race.
I kept going back and forth, convincing myself of one approach only to realise the problems it would evoke.
The conflict I was experiencing was quite palpable. At one point I felt that for my own well-being, I should try and avoid any woman who has the same cultural emphasis as my wife does.
But I kept getting pulled back to the very real needs of my child.
I kept fearing, maybe irrationally, that were I to have another child who looked 'caucasian', that my son would not see this chiild as his sibling, and in a way my son would see me as emotionally abandoning him for my other similar-looking child.
I felt the only chance of ensuring my son still felt part of my life was to have another euro-asian child, to look essentially like my son.
I know that this makes little sense and quite possibly my son, given these circumstances, would care less whether his half-sibling had blonde hair or black hair, but obviously this dream means something to me, but exactly what I don't know.
It is one of those dreams however that lingers on, troubling me evening when in the back of my mind.