Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Lingering Dream

Things have pretty much settled down in my relationship, at least that's what I have been telling myself.

However I have recently had a very vivid dream which has kinda thrown things upside down for me, at least emotionally.

I am still baffled as to what it means, and why it has appeared now.

My dream has me separated from my wife, contemplating my future.

In reality I am 7 years younger than my wife, but in my dream I was 20 years younger than my wife, as irrational as that may sound, but it felt like an unquestionable truth.

In this dream I also felt a sense of comfort in knowing that my wife was probably too old to have another child.

This I felt freed me to consider my future, where I had decided that it was time for me to meet another woman.

Here's the crunch though, I got into a conflicting mind-set, trying to work out whether I should allow myself to enter a relationship with another Chinese woman, or a woman of any other race.

I kept going back and forth, convincing myself of one approach only to realise the problems it would evoke.

The conflict I was experiencing was quite palpable. At one point I felt that for my own well-being, I should try and avoid any woman who has the same cultural emphasis as my wife does.

But I kept getting pulled back to the very real needs of my child.

I kept fearing, maybe irrationally, that were I to have another child who looked 'caucasian', that my son would not see this chiild as his sibling, and in a way my son would see me as emotionally abandoning him for my other similar-looking child.

I felt the only chance of ensuring my son still felt part of my life was to have another euro-asian child, to look essentially like my son.

I know that this makes little sense and quite possibly my son, given these circumstances, would care less whether his half-sibling had blonde hair or black hair, but obviously this dream means something to me, but exactly what I don't know.

It is one of those dreams however that lingers on, troubling me evening when in the back of my mind.

5 comments:

gleenn said...

I pray that things would work out.

btw, this is a comment I left in one for your old post. I actually read back quite a number of posts. In case you won't get to read it, i pasted it here.

Hi,

I hope this comment finds you and your family well. I'd like you to know that I've been following your blog for a while now since the day I started planning for a website that deals the issues of mixed and interfaith marriages.

I have not visited your blog for months. I came to read expecting progress of your marriage and it distress me to find that your marriage is actually in trouble. [As you can see, I read your posts from the most recent all the way down here of your archives]

These are just some of my thoughts.

1. If your wife is really having an affair, what do you think is the reason the prompts her to? A happy and satisfied partner will not look out from marriage. Unless one is wired to cheat.

2. Do you and your wife developed an open communication? I can sense through your posts that you don't. In order for a marriage to work out, this is essential.

3. Regarding this weird request of your wife to put the new house in her name, it clearly shows of a hidden agenda. Before you both decided to buy a new house, is there already a marital problem in the air? Because if there is, then your wife must have a feeling that your union isn't gonna last. The use of the word "fair" is an indication. In marriage, it's not suppose to be "me or you", there's just suppose to be "us."

I really pray to God that your marriage will work out. :)

Anonymous said...

You're 7 years younger than your wife? I had imagined you both in your early 30s. Would you mind telling us how old you guys are?

Anonymous said...

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Dan said...

I had a Chinese girlfriend for a while. Man was she complicated! She was lovely at times, but on many occasions the cultural differences were just to great. I don't know if I picked a wrong one, or whether all Chinese girls are like this. Filipinas seem much more straightforward. Japanese girls are a total mystery, but that's another story...

Ammie said...

Wow, I don't know how old this post is...but in my experience, I find that bi-racial children especially one of caucasian man+ asian female tend to make absolutely beautiful children. While obviously mixed in terms of looks, especially in the early years, many of them actually look quite Caucasian over time. Plus honestly, if you ever have kids with your wife and end up not staying together, you should trust your own ability to nurture a child past the point of seeing racial differences. Children only notice what the adults point out...and if they notice it on their own, you can make a huge difference by attaching a positive energy about it.

Honestly, mixed children are remarkably beautiful. In my opinion often more so than children of purely one race.

Sociable

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?