Saturday, May 29, 2010

Nothing is clearer, it is just a stalemate for now

Well, since my episode of paranoia, nothing has happened to clarify matters.

I tried to talk to my wife once about my concerns, but she was completely dismissive. Before I had even had a chance to explain my concern, she responded with:

"Oh your just being silly!"

...and she walked away.

So I get the feeling that she does not want to discuss the matter, or that it simply does not register for her and she is not sensitive to how I feel at this point in time.

When I hear her mobile phone signal with a text message, my heart skips a beat, but I try hard to ignore it. She still behaves oddly, as if the message is so private that she cannot read it while in the same room as me.

A few days ago I walked past the bedroom and saw her busily typing a text message on her phone. When I asked her who she was texting, she said:

"Just a friend"

I then said" "Who?"

She responded in an agitated voice, "Just a friend, you don't know them"

Now I keep asking myself whether I am simply being paranoid, in a effort to talk myself out of this anxiety I am experiencing. At the end of the day, I know that all of this can be explained away in a perfectly reasonable manner. I recall not that long ago that my wife suspected something was going on in my life, and it wasn't, so I could just be going through the same thing.

And I can't get over how she would be willing to lose something that she seems to value more than anything else in her life. No, not me, but something far more valuable to her.

I remember when we were preparing to get married, she asked me if once we were married, whether she too could use the title of "doctor", given that her husband is a doctor. She reasoned that this is the case with Knighted men who marry.

I wasn't sure whether she was joking or serious, but I realised early on that my being a doctor meant everything to her, as it does to her mother. I am quite sure that everyone from her mother's village knows that my mother-in-laws daughter is married to a doctor, and not just any doctor but a specialist. I am subjected to some kind of awe from all my mother-in-laws friends every time I come into contact with them, and they all insist on calling me "doctor" instead of my name, and they touch my hand almost messiah like as if some of my good luck would rub off on them.

It seems to me beyond belief that my wife, and just as importantly her mother, would risk losing this title that they wear like a badge of honour, which has given them the right to hold their head up high amongst their community, in a display of superiority.

The chinese I have found to be aspirational to the extreme, and excessive displays of ones success, although being something which may be frowned upon in the west, is second nature to many chinese.

I keep asking myself, "how could they risk losing this?". It just doesn't make sense.

....or am I simply trying to convince myself too hard.


taaleem said...

Call one of the numbers from a phone that is not connected to you, see who answers, male or female, make excuse with wrong number asking for somebody, then hang up. That is a start, it will give you an idea where to progress from there.

dr_luv said...


I agree with taalem. It's time for you to investigate rather than being paraniod and deep thoughts. Make a call and say its a wrong number. Use a payphone. Check her hp and jot the number down. I will do that if my wife has similar "actions" as yours.
Update us on the outcome.

I am not sure whether she is married to you because of love or your medical profession. What happen if you lose your medical licence due to some lawsuit neg, will she leave you ? Anyway, let do this this thinking some other time.

Make a call and find out whether is the person is she or he.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. I have been following your blog for a while. I am Chinese (same age as you). I live in Hong Kong and I am married to a German man. We have been together for 8 years. I have a stable job which I like and we keep our finances separate (I do not like to feel that I am dependent on someone). He earns much more money than me but that does not make me feel compelled to make him spend his money on me. A lot of Hong Kong people have learnt the hard way during the financial crisis in 1997 and since then people have paid more attention to other important things in life. I am sad to read that your wife and her family see you as a status symbol. To me, I am very proud to be married to a man who is a very good person - caring, loyal, mature, witty and intelligent. I am sure there are some other women out there who would value you for the person you are and with whom you can converse, debate and communicate. It's the substance of a good marriage. Life is too short to waste it.

SF Kid said...

No one should be advising you to "break up" but you MUST know the answer to your suspicions so you can sleep at night. If all is OK, find a way to strengthen your bond. If not, then you need to confront her to get counseling to repair your marriage or prepare a break up strategy. No fun either way but it is better than your current uncertainty. You must act instead of worry.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...


I have read all of your blog entries with interest, as I am also married to an asian woman and have a child together. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles.

Given that you have a child, I might suggest that you contact an attorney so that you can learn how to best protect yourself and your child should the marriage result in divorce.

As the saying goes, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?