I have been struggling with this emotional distress now for quite some time, and what seems to be bothering me the most is the "not knowing" bit.
Its a terrible way to live ones life.
For the most part I just pretend everything is normal, but this uncertainty is just eating away at me.
Part of me oddly prefers the anguish of not-knowing, for fear of what I may find out if I look further. By living in the dark there is still hope that it is all in my head, right?
But last night my wife went into the shower and unually for her, she left her mobile phone on the bedside table.
And well, after so much effort to simply ignore this issue or somehow convince myself that it is just my imagination, it just got too much for me, so I picked up her mobile phone and decided to look at some of her records.
I went straight to the SMS section, and found an unfamiliar number from someone who SMS'd her about a week earlier.
I jotted the number down, and then read the text message.
This is what it said:
"Called U back later in day. Sorry to miss UR call. Will not be at work tomorrow."
...and then I read the previous text message from my wife, prompting this response. The text read:
"Tried to call you 5 times. Are you avoiding me? Have a lot to tell you"
This is all I was willing to read. I put the phone right down. My heart was racing and I was in a cold sweat. It may or may not mean anything, but it is not the all-clear I was hoping for. In fact I imediately took it for something worse than it really is, at least so far. I think I imagined some words that I had to keep checking on the paper to ensure they won't there. It seems my mind is playing tricks on me.
Anyway, I in fact don't know whose number this is, and for all I know it could be one of her girlfriends.
I guess I will have to read more next chance I get.