Sunday, July 18, 2010

Marriage in Distress

Well, a lot has happened since my last post.

For the longest time it seemed that I simply would not muster up the courage to raise these lingering issues with my wife.

However an opportunity arose by chance, when mother-in-law decided at the last minute to visit Brisbane for a week, in order see family. We decided that it would a great holiday for our son as well, who was on school holidays.

So as a result, we were alone for one week, without any disruptions or distractions.

So I finally spoke up when we were alone at home.

This was the beginning of a conversation that lasted a few hours. It was not frenetic nor was it aggressive in any sense. It was a calm discussion, mostly driven by me. I calmly addressed the issues, one by one, that I thought needed to be cleared up.

The responses from my wife were the most honest she has ever been to me, but not entirely honest.

I know for a fact that certain claims she has made were simply untrue.

I know this for two reasons.

Firstly and as they say in the poker industry, she has a "tell".

When she lies to me she tilts her head in a submissive type of display, she also touches my hand affectionately, but in all such cases she can never bring herself to look in my eyes. This has been a very consistent "tell" from her for many years.

But secondly and more importantly, I know that certain claims are untrue because I checked up on the details before-hand.

For instance, she claims to have only spoken to this lawyer two or three times on the phone. This is untrue. She has called (and/or texted) his number in the hundreds of times, on some days up to six times a day.

Secondly, she claims to have only emailed him two or three times.

Again, this is simply untrue.

Firstly, I witnessed her deleting emails in bulk from her sent folder recently, and this was from her private hotmail account. I knew that this was the email address that she would have used to correspond with him.

But more damning is the following.

A few months ago, she asked me a very strange question.

I did not think much of it back then, but I realised not that long ago that there was a connection between this lawyer, and that question.

She had previously asked me whether anyone at the university I teach at could intercept or recover any emails sent to the university.

I was perplexed by this question and simply answered by saying "I don't know"

But she asked again, with an element of tension in her voice, and to boot, she would not look me in the eyes while asking.

I thought little of it, until I realised that this new friend of hers teaches at the same university as I do.

So I followed this up with the IT section at the university.

Now my wife has never sent me an email from her hotmail account to my university email address.

However I mentioned to the IT person that I wished to recover an email my wife sent me with some important details, but was not sure if she had sent it to my university email address.

Now, although this was not strictly legal, I was told that 98 emails were sent from that email address, but not to me.

So, progress, and a little bit of relief because I was no longer completely in the dark, but also distress because this deception was growing bigger by the day.

Having said that, my wife told me certain things that I do in fact believe.

First is that she only met the lawyer once in person.

Second, she explained to me why she met the lawyer. I will go into this in a later post.

Thirdly, she implied that nothing went on sexually. We did not discuss this explicitly, but it was there between the lines. I also believe this, for good reason. I will explain this as well in a later post.

For now my thinking is all over the place and quite chaotic.

So, in an effort to help my thoughts settle and fall in place, I would ask for those reading this blog to ask me some specific questions, if you wish to, which will force me to think clearly about aspects of my circumstances that I have not given due consideration to yet.

This will help me be more rational in my thinking, as I am a complete emotional wreck right now and wish to ensure that I do nothing stupid while in this state of mind.


Anonymous said...

A number of Asian cultures have this ingrained mentality with lying, this is a strategy that they use to avoid dealing with some core issues. I find this very distasteful. Regardless if she betrayed you physically or not, the fact that she has lied to you on such a large scale and avoids explaining any of this, unless she can admit exactly what she was doing and then seek forgiveness, then I would not think this issue will ever be solved. You have hard proof, so you are in a position to demand a proper full explanation, or determine a new path for your relationship, setting out new boundaries and protect your own interests while trust can be either re-established. This betrayal has also been in the context of her expressing that she was considering and calculating what assets she could selfishly count on. She needs to face up to you, or you need to make demands for what are your wants and include the mother; if you want another child then make this clear and lay down the law, make it clear she is to do her duty, or start separation so she can go play.

L.Anonymous said...

Question to consider:
Q) Have you noticed a different pattern of physical relationship (ie sex) between you and your wife? This can be frequency, duration, mutual satisfaction, etc.

I believe it's difficult for Asian women to behave the same physically if they feel different emotionally.

I think you need to stop living in the dark and find the root cause. She is obviously taking advantage of you and you need to stop that.

Steve from Winnipeg said...

It seems like you are making progress on this. I think it is time for you to lay all the cards out on the table.

What was not clear from your post that I think would help us understand the situation:

1.)What was the interest in this lawyer James? Was it a silly little crush she had and was playing at? Was this business?

2.)What issues have you cleared up with your wife? What do you feel she is lying about?

I agree with the other posters. It is time to involve Nainai in the discussions. As a man married to a Chinese woman myself, I know the power of this. Chinese women, are if nothing else, enormously pragmatic. This is not racism, it is culturally engrained. I still believe doctors place above lawyers in the pecking order of the salary ladder. If this relationsip with James threatens the security and financial well being that affects her and more importantly for Nainai, her grandson, she will lay down the law. Guaranteed.

Both of you should seriously consider speaking with a marriage counsellor. If anything it will help you start rebuilding your trust in each other. I am not saying this as a negative. This would help you to bring things out with an impartial thrid party. Consider it please.

Anonymous said...

As a Chinese woman who married to a caucasian and live in 6 different western cities without a single Chinese friend for 10 years.
I believe the other comments are from men only. Here are my two cents:

1)emotional crush could happen in any culture, any age, any gender. Lying could happen in any culture, any age and any gender, including you. Doctor, have you ever lied in your life?

2)Find out if there is love between you and your wife besides money issue? Even she plays with the rule because of money, why on earth you want to keep a wife like this?

3)Trust is essential in a marriage. If you love someone and you think she deserves your trust, you should learn to forgive. If you don't want to trust her anymore, just get a divorce and find a better lady. If you want to forgive but not knowing how to, get a marriage counsellor.

Anonymous said...

Why are you with her?

What do you like/dislike most about Chinese women?