Marriage in Distress

Well, a lot has happened since my last post.

For the longest time it seemed that I simply would not muster up the courage to raise these lingering issues with my wife.

However an opportunity arose by chance, when mother-in-law decided at the last minute to visit Brisbane for a week, in order see family. We decided that it would a great holiday for our son as well, who was on school holidays.

So as a result, we were alone for one week, without any disruptions or distractions.

So I finally spoke up when we were alone at home.

This was the beginning of a conversation that lasted a few hours. It was not frenetic nor was it aggressive in any sense. It was a calm discussion, mostly driven by me. I calmly addressed the issues, one by one, that I thought needed to be cleared up.

The responses from my wife were the most honest she has ever been to me, but not entirely honest.

I know for a fact that certain claims she has made were simply untrue.

I know this for two reasons.

Firstly and as they say in the poker industry, she has a "tell".

When she lies to me she tilts her head in a submissive type of display, she also touches my hand affectionately, but in all such cases she can never bring herself to look in my eyes. This has been a very consistent "tell" from her for many years.

But secondly and more importantly, I know that certain claims are untrue because I checked up on the details before-hand.

For instance, she claims to have only spoken to this lawyer two or three times on the phone. This is untrue. She has called (and/or texted) his number in the hundreds of times, on some days up to six times a day.

Secondly, she claims to have only emailed him two or three times.

Again, this is simply untrue.

Firstly, I witnessed her deleting emails in bulk from her sent folder recently, and this was from her private hotmail account. I knew that this was the email address that she would have used to correspond with him.

But more damning is the following.

A few months ago, she asked me a very strange question.

I did not think much of it back then, but I realised not that long ago that there was a connection between this lawyer, and that question.

She had previously asked me whether anyone at the university I teach at could intercept or recover any emails sent to the university.

I was perplexed by this question and simply answered by saying "I don't know"

But she asked again, with an element of tension in her voice, and to boot, she would not look me in the eyes while asking.

I thought little of it, until I realised that this new friend of hers teaches at the same university as I do.

So I followed this up with the IT section at the university.

Now my wife has never sent me an email from her hotmail account to my university email address.

However I mentioned to the IT person that I wished to recover an email my wife sent me with some important details, but was not sure if she had sent it to my university email address.

Now, although this was not strictly legal, I was told that 98 emails were sent from that email address, but not to me.

So, progress, and a little bit of relief because I was no longer completely in the dark, but also distress because this deception was growing bigger by the day.

Having said that, my wife told me certain things that I do in fact believe.

First is that she only met the lawyer once in person.

Second, she explained to me why she met the lawyer. I will go into this in a later post.

Thirdly, she implied that nothing went on sexually. We did not discuss this explicitly, but it was there between the lines. I also believe this, for good reason. I will explain this as well in a later post.

For now my thinking is all over the place and quite chaotic.

So, in an effort to help my thoughts settle and fall in place, I would ask for those reading this blog to ask me some specific questions, if you wish to, which will force me to think clearly about aspects of my circumstances that I have not given due consideration to yet.

This will help me be more rational in my thinking, as I am a complete emotional wreck right now and wish to ensure that I do nothing stupid while in this state of mind.

Last night while she was in the shower...

I have been struggling with this emotional distress now for quite some time, and what seems to be bothering me the most is the "not knowing" bit.

Its a terrible way to live ones life.

For the most part I just pretend everything is normal, but this uncertainty is just eating away at me.

Part of me oddly prefers the anguish of not-knowing, for fear of what I may find out if I look further. By living in the dark there is still hope that it is all in my head, right?

But last night my wife went into the shower and unually for her, she left her mobile phone on the bedside table.

And well, after so much effort to simply ignore this issue or somehow convince myself that it is just my imagination, it just got too much for me, so I picked up her mobile phone and decided to look at some of her records.

I went straight to the SMS section, and found an unfamiliar number from someone who SMS'd her about a week earlier.

I jotted the number down, and then read the text message.

This is what it said:

"Called U back later in day. Sorry to miss UR call. Will not be at work tomorrow."

...and then I read the previous text message from my wife, prompting this response. The text read:

"Tried to call you 5 times. Are you avoiding me? Have a lot to tell you"

This is all I was willing to read. I put the phone right down. My heart was racing and I was in a cold sweat. It may or may not mean anything, but it is not the all-clear I was hoping for. In fact I imediately took it for something worse than it really is, at least so far. I think I imagined some words that I had to keep checking on the paper to ensure they won't there. It seems my mind is playing tricks on me.

Anyway, I in fact don't know whose number this is, and for all I know it could be one of her girlfriends.

I guess I will have to read more next chance I get.

The new friend

My apologies for keeping everyone waiting.

It has been a very strange period for me lately. I am a neurologist and see patients daily who are suffering from terrible afflictions caused by injuries or illnesses like catastrophic head injuries, strokes, Parkinsons disease and Alzheimers.

I need to have constant attention to detail, as I am dealing with quality of life, and in some cases life itself.

Although it has not affected my work yet, I am doing my best to guarantee that IT NEVER does, so I write on this blog late at night in my desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the immense distress I have been going through.

Anyway, back to that strange weekend, and here we are at Sunday.

For most of the morning my wife was exceptionally nice to me. She would call me "honey" repeatedly, and on a few ocassions she called me by my baby name (the name my mother calls me to this day).

My wife would only act like this when she was extremely happy, or when she was preparing to persuade me about something.

Anyway, about mid-morning, although I didn't realise at the time, my wife started on what was probably a well thought out plan to introduce me to a new person she had apparently just met.

She started making references to a "James", a man she met through her work, but according to her had never met in person once.

She however did mention to me that she had spoken to James 4 or 5 times on the phone (although she mentioned nothing about emails).

Now I counted 7 separate references to James on that Sunday, all I believe designed to sound innocuous, but I could feel that there was more to this than that.

Now James is a lawyer. She met him through work, and because he also has a Chinese wife, she became friends with him. he is anglo by the way.

Sounds plausible right? Well its not. There's more to this than my wife has been letting on.

By the 7th mention of James, my wife said:

"Would you like to meet James? I told him about you."

I replied by saying:

"Why would I want to meet a stranger?"

My response was terse, but I had grown frustrated with this charade by my wife, and it was a desperate display as far as I was concerned, but she still persisted in trying to put an innocent spin on events.

Well, she stopped talking about James after that.

But later on that night, I remembered something that she asked me about 4 months ago. I didn't think anything of it back then, but it was a strange comment none the less.

The more I think about it, the more it all fits.

It seems that James and I are not actually strangers after all. In fact I think we teach at the same university.

Just lying in bed that night I knew a lot of things didn't make sense. The email episode, her claim of only 4 or 5 phone calls, and her strange comment about 4 months ago.

..its starting to make a bit more sense now...but maybe I need to check on a few facts first...but more on that later.

The Hotmail account

Well, I can at least say that my weekend was eventful.

Matters have been somewhat of a stalemate for a while now, but last weekend something changed.

I am yet however to work out whether things have changed for the better or worse.

It all began on the Saturday. We were all ill with cold, so we decided to take a nap in the afternoon.

My mother-in-law went to bed, I put our son to bed, and my wife and I went to bed as well.

However after about 20 minutes my wife got quietly out of bed. I expected her to return soon, thinking she went to the bathroom, but she did not return.

So I simply tried to get some sleep.

After another half hour, I wasn't getting any real rest because I had a conjected chest, so I decided to get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Given that my son and mother-in-law were asleep, I walked quietly to the living area on my way to the kitchen.

Our kitchen is closed-plan ajoins our living area. Our living area is large and contains a makeshift office, typically used by me when I am reviewing patient records, whilst also looking after my son.

My wife has her own home office, which is right next to our bedroom.

Well uncharacteristicly, I saw my wife at my desk in the living area, using my PC. She chose for her own reasons not to use her own office, which she almost always uses.

She did not hear me approaching. As I got closer, I tried not to look at what she was doing, partly because I felt it was an invasion of her privacy, and party because I was afraid of what I would see.

But I just couldn't resist!

As I approached I could see that she was using her hotmail email account. It was clear to me from where I was that she was reviewing and then deleting emails, one after the other, from the "sent" folder.

Now my wife and I both have home email accounts that we access mutually. I often ask my wife to access my email from home and she does likewise with me. But this email account, the Hotmail account, is my wife's "private" email account.

I know it exists, but it has always been clear to me that it is out-of-bounds to me.

Anyway, as I got closer, my wife finally heard me.

She was startled by my presence. She literally jumped out of her seat, and let out a slight scream..."ahhhhhhhhhh!".

Her immediate comment after that was, "You scared me!"

Almost as soon as she said that, she minimised the web browser on my computer and then proceeded to close the PC down, fumbling nervously as she proceeded.

My obvious inclination was to ask her why she was acting so suspiciously, but knowing her as I do, she would simply have dismissed my comment and she would have walked away, so I thought that nothing would be gained by speaking up.

So I said nothing. But for one short second though, our eyes met, and I deteceted a nervousness about her that I don't often see.

After this incident, I got a strong feeling that something had know become undeniably "unresolved" in this little charade that we were playing, and I half expected my wife to try and somehow explain things away asomehow, to try and bring back the semblence of harmony.

Although these things are hard to explain properly, I did "sense" that my self-restraint spoke much louder than any words I could have mustered, and it seemed to me that my wife felt very uncomfortable with the situation. I felt as clearly as day follows night, that my wife would somehow try to address this situation, I just didn't know how or when.

.......but I didn't need to wait long, as when Sunday came along, I could feel that my wife was preparing to tell me something, in one form or another.

More on this next time, as such events are exhausting and I do not wish to dwell on this for longer than I need to.

Nothing is clearer, it is just a stalemate for now

Well, since my episode of paranoia, nothing has happened to clarify matters.

I tried to talk to my wife once about my concerns, but she was completely dismissive. Before I had even had a chance to explain my concern, she responded with:

"Oh your just being silly!"

...and she walked away.

So I get the feeling that she does not want to discuss the matter, or that it simply does not register for her and she is not sensitive to how I feel at this point in time.

When I hear her mobile phone signal with a text message, my heart skips a beat, but I try hard to ignore it. She still behaves oddly, as if the message is so private that she cannot read it while in the same room as me.

A few days ago I walked past the bedroom and saw her busily typing a text message on her phone. When I asked her who she was texting, she said:

"Just a friend"

I then said" "Who?"

She responded in an agitated voice, "Just a friend, you don't know them"

Now I keep asking myself whether I am simply being paranoid, in a effort to talk myself out of this anxiety I am experiencing. At the end of the day, I know that all of this can be explained away in a perfectly reasonable manner. I recall not that long ago that my wife suspected something was going on in my life, and it wasn't, so I could just be going through the same thing.

And I can't get over how she would be willing to lose something that she seems to value more than anything else in her life. No, not me, but something far more valuable to her.

I remember when we were preparing to get married, she asked me if once we were married, whether she too could use the title of "doctor", given that her husband is a doctor. She reasoned that this is the case with Knighted men who marry.

I wasn't sure whether she was joking or serious, but I realised early on that my being a doctor meant everything to her, as it does to her mother. I am quite sure that everyone from her mother's village knows that my mother-in-laws daughter is married to a doctor, and not just any doctor but a specialist. I am subjected to some kind of awe from all my mother-in-laws friends every time I come into contact with them, and they all insist on calling me "doctor" instead of my name, and they touch my hand almost messiah like as if some of my good luck would rub off on them.

It seems to me beyond belief that my wife, and just as importantly her mother, would risk losing this title that they wear like a badge of honour, which has given them the right to hold their head up high amongst their community, in a display of superiority.

The chinese I have found to be aspirational to the extreme, and excessive displays of ones success, although being something which may be frowned upon in the west, is second nature to many chinese.

I keep asking myself, "how could they risk losing this?". It just doesn't make sense.

....or am I simply trying to convince myself too hard.

The mobile phone and the private messages

Well, the rational part of me keeps telling me that I am just being silly.

I have always been someone who doesn't jump to conclusions, who always believes that there is a sensible explanation for most things, and who is not possessive or jealous.

And I have been married for ten years with no concerns about infidelity.

However my wife and I have been having some real issues of late.

Now all marriages have ups and downs, but this issue feels a little more serious than most.

My wife seems genuinely disinterested in me and how I feel, and her values, as I recently realised, seem to be polar opposites to mine.

When did these differences develop? I simply didn't see it coming.

What has really concerned me of late has been her frequent text messaging and mobile phone use.

She has never been big on text messaging, but all of a sudden she seems to be glued to her mobile phone. She also never leaves the phone unattended, even when she showers, almost as if she is afraid of someone reading the text messages.

She also seems to get many more phone calls these days. Most of them seem to be from her Chinese friends, as she speaks to them in Chinese. I get the feeling that she is talking to them about me, because of her facial expressions. I don't know Chinese but I can pick up some words which makes it sound as if she is telling them something in Chinese, because she doesn't want me to understand.

This language thing has really become a huge anchor around my neck, as I am disadvantaged in so many areas.

However when the phone call is from a non-Chinese English speaker, she leaves the room and talks to whoever it is in our bedroom.

On the occasion when I ask who it was on the phone, she would reply saying, "its no one, just a friend."

This is simply not an upfront response, and if it were me she would not have accepted it, but I said nothing in response.

I probably should not have, but last night I was alone at home for a few hours. So I decided to look at her most recent mobile phone bills.

Now she is really careful about her mobile phone usage, as she is sensitive about the costs involved.

She typically refuses to make calls on her mobile, and when possible she uses her work phone instead. So her mobile phone bills have always been inside the monthly cap.

Her most recent bill however, to my serious surprise, is $120 over the cap. This is a huge amount, especially for her.

Her usage for the month before last comprised primarily of phone calls (and text messages) to two phone numbers, one mobile number and one landline number. It looks like she has called those numbers up to 20 times on some days.

But should I be looking at her phone statement? I don't know what I am doing? Am I snooping? Am I stalking? I feel so terrible about this but I can't seem to control myself.

My mind tells me that she could not possibly sacrifice everything we have, but I just have a bad feeling.

I just don't know what to do. Even at work today I have been distracted. I can think of nothing else.

This not knowing is the worst part.

I get the feeling that everyone is in on it, except for me. If she has done something, I know that she would not have done it without her mother's agreement.

This is not good.

Either I am remarkably foolish and paranoid, or something simply isn't right.

Chinese people and Anglo names

Australia is a multi-cultural country. You come across people from many different cultural backgrounds here.

We of course have the Europeans, which comprised originally of peoples from Anglo backgrounds, followed later by Continental Europeans.

More recently we have had an influx of Asians, comprising primarily of Indians and Chinese, amongst others.

What I find suprising is that even though the Indians share a common history with the English, when it comes to first names, almost all the Indian Australians that I have come into contact with choose to keep their original Indian name, rather than use an English name, which is the more common practice amongst migrants.

In fact I don't think I have come across any Indians with an Anglo first name, not even Christian Indians, who tend to adopt Christian surnames.

Conversely, this is not the case with Chinese Australians. It is very rare indeed when I come across a Chinese person, whether they be an adult who emigrated to Australia or a child born in Australia, who are known by their Chinese first name.

I don't know what it is about the Chinese, but they place a lot of importance on selecting a novel Anglo first name for themselves and their children.

And these are not standard Anglo names like John or Sharon. They are names with a distinctly Victorian flair about them, almost as if the names were chosen directly from an English novel straight out of the 19th century.

In fact I can often pick out a Chinese child simply from a list of names, simply by looking at their first name only, because the Chinese Australians tend to out-British the British when it comes to choosing names with that certain Brittanic feel to it.

When it came to our child, my wife insisted on choosing his name alone.

She naturally gave the child a Chinese middle name, although she let her mother choose the middle name.

With regard to our child's first name, my wife laboured over this choice for many many years, long before she was even pregnant.

Even as close as a few days before she gave birth, she had still not settled on a name, even though she consulted with people far and wide, and read novel after novel, in order to find the name that she felt was just right.

Finally she chose a name after a previous English Prime Minister, because she felt the name represented strength and resilience, qualities that she wanted in our son.

Anyway, this is how our son was named, and both she and I expected this name to be a rarity today, but nonetheless a familiar name amongst English speakers.

To our suprise, when our son started school, we found out that 4 other boys in his year also had the same name, and, well you guessed it, they were all Chinese.

We have been arguing lately

My wife and I have been having a number of arguments lately.

It all began when we started looking for a new house. We have outgrown our current residence, and with our boy getting to an age when he is always running around, we decided it was time to find a house with a big backyard.

Well all well and good, and given my income, we may not even need to sell the home we currently live in.

Well that's where our problems begin.

You see our current home was bought and paid off by me before I met my wife. She on the other hand had no real assets to speak of when we married.

This means that our house is technically owned by me, although this would make little difference if we were to get divorced. In that case of course the house will be divided between my wife and I, according to other factors, like the welfare of our child.

However this still bothers my wife. She is annoyed that our current house is only under my name, but as an accountant she is fully aware that to transfer the deed into both our names would be an exercise in wasting money, as the stamp duty incurred would run into the tens of thousands.

So my wife, in order to "balance the arangement", as she puts it, wants to purchase the new house in her name only.

I find this a remarkably bizarre request, and I have tried to ask her to explain how this will benefit us. She keeps saying its fair this way, but this really is not a reasonable explanation to me. It simply does not make any sense.

Anyway, while we were viewing a property last weekend, my wife starting complaining to the real estate agent that I was not willing to "buy" her a new house. This confused the real estate agent because he thought we were looking at the property precisely for that reason.

I tried to explain to the real estate agent what my wife actually meant, and he simply said "oh!", nodded his head, and continued showing us the property.

On the way home however, my wife kept on repeating that the real estate agent said "ohhhhhhhhhh!", indicating that he was embarassed that I was not buying her the property in her name.

It seems to me that she was convinced that the real estate agent sympathised with her complaint, where in truth he didn't care one way or the other, as long as he got a sale.

So he we are, locked in dispute, over a pointless little detail. Part of me says to simply give my wife what she wants, but something else in the back of my mind is nagging at me. I keep asking myself why she wants his and her property, when we are married.

I don't know. It simply doesn't make sense.